Today, aside from being extremely exhausted, I am feeling wonderful! Everything at home has been good and knowing only this week left in my cubicle of hell makes it tolerable. I only had one episode st my desk where I felt the tears coming on (I think that’s a record).
I do know this feeling won’t last, but while it does I am going to enjoy it. I have begun my list of the things I want to do in the next 360 days. I think they are reasonable.
I am sitting at the park on my 1/2 hour of designated time away from my cubicle. I so badly just want to grab my things and never go back inside that building. I understand we need all kinds of people to fulfill all of the different jobs and I am thankful I am finally brave enough to acknowledge and accept the 9-5 life is not for me and there is nothing wrong with that. That has been very difficult for me to accept. I somehow thought once I had a “real” job I would be okay. I would have proven to the world I can do it. But this is not my world and these are not my people. It is quite freeing to finally accept that as truth.
I have also decided to no longer attempt to deny my emotions. For the next year, when I am sad I will be fully sad, when I am happy I will let it fully engulf me. When I am angry I will let it Wash over me and discover the root cause of it. I will not be ashamed to be me, wildly flamboyantly me! And when I am afraid, I will acknowledge fears presence, push past it, and show it I am in charge!
Yesterday could not have been a more perfect day. We went to our first monthly chapter meeting for stuttering. It went perfectly. We got home and I spent two hours talking with my teenager about the meaning of life/life’s purpose, his growing confidence, and with that he feels he has the ability to live a life true to himself without worrying about others opinions. I wish I had had the insight and self awareness that he has at that age. After we talked I made dinner and he found a site live streaming the Mayweather Macgregor fight for free. The fact that these men make millions off of society’s lust for competition(violence) makes me ill and yet I watch and hope the woman beater gets knocked down. Then I realize I know nothing of the other fighter, he could be a person of questionable character as well, and so I cease to care and focus on my boys and our time together. I love them so very much! Soon after the significant other arrived home from work with cookies for the kids and a bottle of wine for me (couldn’t ask for much more than that). The kids retired to their rooms downstairs and we stayed up until 5:00 am talking and enjoying each other. On nights like that I don’t believe I could ever love someone as much as I love that man.
Then the morning comes. We lay in bed and it is beautiful, but then it comes. Like a misty blanket only I can feel. It settles on me and as he smiles and jokes with me I think, “I need to die”. It begins in my stomach and spreads throughout my body until it reaches me fingers and toes. It says Kill yourself, get it over with, so he can be with someone who loves life, who isn’t sad all the time, unmotivated, and worthless. Kill yourself because you will never get it right. You will always be less than. Don’t try to be happy. It isn’t for you.”
And then I am honest with myself and the perfect day yesterday didn’t belong to me. Through the perfect chapter meeting my anxiety was so high I wanted to run out of the room screaming. On the drive home we were almost sideswiped on the freeway, but I swerved and I thought how I wish I were alone in the car and they would have hit me. While my son talked about the purpose of life I wanted to cry and tell him I’m sorry I can’t be here for you in the future, but I know you are going to live a life I wish I had. And only with a bottle of wine was I relaxed enough to have a perfect evening.
God! That sounds pathetic! Whiny, insipid, feeling sorry for myself. Perhaps the point is to see the memory as perfect. To find the joy in the moments, find the sunshine in the rain(which I always tell my kids) practice what you preach, right?
In the end, it was a beautiful day and I can smile when I think about it. And perhaps my suicide isn’t me. Perhaps we are separate and it has just been a long time visitor in my mind. A parasite who has no intention of leaving. Who gives me these urges I can’t explain. Perhaps that is a thought I will pursue in a later post. My mind overwhelms me at times.
I don’t remember the last time I genuinely laughed. Last night was rough. I made dinner even though I was exhausted. Pork chops and rice for the family and corn, peas, and rice with barbecue jack fruit for me. We were all talking and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. My son even had his girlfriend on Facetime eating with us. It was sweet, but as usual my thoughts kept wandering towards the negative. “You’re going to kill yourself in less than a year now, what did you do today? The same old thing! You are a loser!” So I took my meds and waited for the sleepiness to kick in.
As I waited I put on Pandora, Jon Legend radio, and jumped in the shower. My significant other decided to join me. It was sweet and beautiful. He kissed me and touched me and I thought, “I should be in heaven right now.” But all I could think was “I am so tired. I don’t have the energy to pretend to enjoy it tonight (which is what I usually do then I end up enjoying it immensely). He then tried to make me laugh, and I did, just to see him smile. It wasn’t real though and I wonder if he saw the pain behind it.
Today I have a commitment I won’t break. It is for my son, a monthly group we are helping lead. A support group for him and his stuttering. If i were well I would love this. I made the commitment on a day when I was feeling particularly up beat. After the first planning meeting all I could think was WHAT HAVE I DONE! I can’t handle this. I’m going to end up quitting and everyone in the organization is going to hate me or look down on me with disgust. I’m such a loser! But I am going today. I think knowing I only have one more week of work is helping. I’m still exhausted, but soon I won’t have the dreaded office cubicle to fret over.
It is time to wake up the kids and get myself looking some semblance of presentable. If only the world saw everyone as beautiful all of the time and personality really was what counts. Alas, that shall never happen and my thoughts on society are for a blog post on another day.
I have been alive almost 43 years now. You would think it would be easy to stay alive for one more, but my mind and I are no longer friends. Everyday it tells me I should do it. Everyday it tells me I am worthless and suggests methods I can use. Last night it became asphyxiation. Most likely with a belt or a scarf. I saw a documentary where a child completed suicide by this method. If a child can do it I think I can accomplish that.
But I digress. Now is not the time for methods and procedures (perhaps 30-60 days out we will address that issue).For now we focus on the present.
I gave notice at my job. I wanted to just quit, but out of respect for my coworkers I gave the standard two weeks. Why hold onto a desk job I hate that doesn’t even pay me a living wage if I am going to die within a year? Right? I feel a sense of freedom no longer being part of the rat race. No more worries on what the future holds. My therapist suggested I make a list of all the things I could do instead of killing myself. Instead I think I will make a list of all the things I want to do before I kill myself. Then, actually do them!
I attempted suicide. On August 11th, 2017 I made a halfhearted attempt by taking a handful of Flexeril and Percocet. I was hoping to fall asleep and never wake up. Instead, I slept for 4 days then woke up to my same old life, same old feelings, same old thoughts in my head. I am 42 years old. Not much hope for a future. Not much hope for anything at all, but my family is convinced they would not be better off without me and I cannot convince them otherwise.
I haven’t done much with my life. I have spent the majority of it inside my house laying in bed depressed. I have been told how worthless and pathetic I am. I have been called selfish and manipulative. I can’t hold down a job and I can’t fit in (believe me I’ve tried). So today I have made a deal with myself. In 365 days if I have not made significant changes in my life I will complete suicide. I will do one new thing each day, even if it is as small as driving a different route somewhere.
For 365 days I am going to LIVE! I am going to take risks. I am going to push myself outside my comfort zone. I am going to confront my fears. If I can’t figure it out and make something of myself or find some meaning in this life on August 24th, 2018 I will end my life.
What would you do if you gave yourself 365 days to live? Would you do nothing and just wait for the day? Would you try to change your own mind and find a “cure” for your mental health? I am about to find out! I have given myself until August of 2018. At first I was determined to just enjoy the next 365 days and committed to ending my life. Now I go back and forth over giving up or fighting to find my way. Over this next year I will try every alternative treatment I can find. I will live my life fully and with wild abandon and at the end if I still decide to complete suicide I will know I gave it my all for one entire year.