I have been on edge the last few days and I wasn’t quite sure why. The “glitches” I was having I couldn’t attribute to anything in particular and it has been continuing to bother me even though for the most part I have been doing so well. This morning I came home after dropping my son at school and I couldn’t bring myself to do anything at all. I was sitting like a lump. My mind an empty void. Around 11:00 I decided to just go back to bed and I feel asleep until 12:30. I had some deep and intense dreams. In one of my dreams it was today around 5:30 PM today and I realized my ex had not shown up to pick up my son for an event he was scheduled to attend 2 hours away. An event we had been planning for 2 months. And I was racing around trying to figure out how to get my son to the event even though it had already begun. Then I woke up and I realized this was what I have been worrying about recently. I was so afraid his dad would not show up. His dad has barely had time for him recently and I was worried. His dad is always working, but he doesn’t pay child support. He is always working because he has a gambling addiction. It was the primary reason I could not be with him and we could not have a healthy relationship. If someone can’t pay the bills, but can sit in a casino and gamble away $2000 in one night there is a major problem. Not to mention all the times he “borrowed” money from my mother. He is not dependable. But thankfully he came through and picked up our son and they are on their way to the event! But it was good for me to react the way I did and have the dream. I began thinking of how difficult it was to be in a relationship with someone I couldn’t depend on and who, if I complained about it, would flip out. One year we planned a family trip to Washington DC. A few nights before the trip he went and gambled the $4000 we had saved to make sure the trip was great and not stressful. Then he wouldn’t answer the door at his mother’s house when it was time to go to the airport. The boys and I went on our own. He showed up in Washington DC the next day having borrowed money from my mother to purchase a new plane ticket. Then when I was stressed and couldn’t relax and enjoy the trip (he showed up with no money and no way to pay the balance on the hotel room) he treated me like I was crazy and a bitch and the kids saw me yelling and crying, while he was calm and collected. He even tried to borrow money from me (I had enough to cover food) so he could give some money to a friend’s daughter who lived in DC. He wanted to look like the good guy. I HATE HIM! DAMN IT! I HATE HIM!
THIS THIS THIS! This was a recurring theme in our entire relationship. The first year we were together he borrowed $2000 just before Christmas. He promised to pay me back. I didn’t know he was a gambling addict. But the longer it took for him to pay me back the more worried I became and began to wonder what kind of single man in his 30’s needs to borrow $2000 from a single mother of 3. He eventually paid me back and I told myself I was silly for worrying . I loaned him money many more times after that. Many of the times he paid me back and was mad at me for being upset and worried he wasn’t going to pay me back. He did do a lot for me, but living like that, with the stress of not knowing if bills were going to get paid, if we were going to have money for a trip, if he was even going to show up or come through for things. and knowing if I ever questioned him it would result in him blaming me for everything and anything and completely losing sight of what the issue was that began the argument in the first place. I never want to live like that again. Never!
I’m so tired! I am so thankful I left that relationship and when I get to questioning myself I am going to come back and read this post. I am going to remind myself how stressful it was and how he blamed me for everything. How my overreactions were actually normal stress reactions to the situation. I feel sick to my stomach. I am so angry! So angry at myself for not trusting and believing in myself all of these years. BUT it is a good anger. An anger I need to work through to fully come out on the other side and to fully no longer hate myself. But right now I want to scream! I want to scream my head off! I am still having problems making decisions. Trusting myself. Loving myself. Knowing when to trust someone. I am afraid.
But my fear is reasonable, after all the years I went through. Now I am going to leave this coffee ship and go to the gym and get some of this anger out, then possibly go out tonight, be a normal human being, and have some fun.
Yesterday was a good day. I was busy all day, in a good way. Made it to the gym in the morning, saw my therapist, then took my son to the gym in the afternoon. And in the evening I didn’t even freak out when our little dog pooped on the floor. A section of our fence blew down last week during a windstorm. I fixed it with a tarp, but the tarp keeps getting blown down (even though I nailed it to the rickety fence), but because of this I have to close the dog door some times so our little dog doesn’t run off. If we lost her my son would be devastated and I can’t have that, so a little accident in the house I can handle.
Today I am having another glitch, so I have to write so that I can function (not sure why I am using the word -so- so many times, but it’s okay. My writing doesn’t need to compare to anyone else’s. Especially when I am in a state such as this. My mind is racing and I am having difficulty focusing so (there it is again) writing my jumbled jumpy thoughts is my best outlet to get me focused and moving. I am heading to the gym soon, but I have not been able to decide if I should change at home or once I get to the gym. Silly, yes, but also my reality in this moment. My older son woke me up this morning needing to use my printer. He usually gets himself off to school as he leaves early in the morning. But he was cranky because the printer was printing incorrectly so I woke up to an irritated kid. Then I tried to wake the younger one up so he could go to school an hour early for basketball practice. I couldn’t get him to wake up. Once he got up (too late to go to practice) he was in good spirits, but wishing he had woken up. Hopefully tomorrow we will be able to get him going. It would be good for him and I think increase his happiness and confidence. Next I look at our whiteboard calendar and realize I forgot the older son had a wisdom teeth removal consult scheduled in 30 minutes!!! I texted him and told him to walk out of class and just get there and I would meet him there as soon as I got the little one to school. So I get the little one to school and rush to meet the older one who is now even more irritated because he had to sit and wait. And the longer his appointment takes the more annoyed he is. I love that kid with all my everything, but annoyed teenagers are great, aren’t they? We made it through the appointment and I am home now briefly. Ate a salad and took my supplements. I want nothing more than to crawl into my bed and pull the covers over my head.
As I write this I realize how small and normal all of these things are, but a year ago and before I would have been in tears and telling myself what a worthless piece of shit failure I am. THIS is progress! THIS is the new me continuing to emerge! Now I am going to go change and take my butt to the gym. I’ve got 3 boys competing to see who is going to be in the best shape by summer. You’d better believe it’s going to be this momma!
Last night I dropped my son off at his dad’s house. His dad was nice enough. He tried to convince me to come inside. He told me my daughter and her boyfriend were coming by with my grandson so I should stay to see them. I politely declined repeatedly. Smiled. Told my son I loved him and I would see him tomorrow and promptly drove away. I drove about 80 mph the entire drive home, with the music blaring. I shouldn’t be so triggered anymore I told myself. I came home and baked cookies. I ate all but 2 of them. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t. What I did was what I have been doing much of the time lately. I asked myself, “What would Rose Madder do?”.
A few weeks to a month back I listened to Stephen King’s audio recording of his book Rose Madder. So lately, much of the time, when I am nervous about doing something or I am upset or hurt or scared I ask myself, “What would Rose Madder do?” and it helps me get through. It helps me to be strong and to push myself. It helps me to not give up. It helps me so much that I purchased a lovely print titled Rose Madder on Etsy though Wyldtrees. I hung it by my front door to look at each time I leave the house and each time I come home.
So when I was driving home last night I was mad, but I got through it and I didn’t let it ruin my weekend and I did not let the sadness overtake me. I am stronger now and my journey will continue.
I do a lot of my daily writing on paper that no one will ever see. Which is probably for the best as they are just mainly incoherent ramblings attempting to persuade myself to get my butt moving and not be crazy. But today I don’t feel like writing on paper. I’m actually a bit tired of writing on paper and I have no other file or folder on my laptop where I like to write so today it is here…
I’m having a bit of a glitch this morning. Don’t know that I feel up to taking on the world even though I want to. I don’t want to spend another day sitting in my home alone waiting for the kids to get out of school, then feeding them, then sitting alone some more while they sit in their rooms being teenagers. My son and I are going to start working out at the Y today. Which should be enough of an incentive to get me moving, but yet here I still sit. My anxiety has grown again over the last few days. I still want to scream. Ok. I’m going. Out of here within the hour, getting all the things on my list taken care of. I’m going to be somebody today just because.
I was sick through Christmas. Flu type sick I suppose. Sick enough that all my plans had to be curtailed and I just lay curled up on my couch for 5 days straight. The kids were good though. They didn’t complain, not once. They all said they had a great Christmas. I am getting better now, 6 days after Christmas. I’m feeling a little lost though. Not suicidal, which of course is a huge improvement for me, but just a bit lost. Before I got sick I had begun a juice cleanse/healthy eating lifestyle. Finally putting all the years of nutritional studies to work and I was feeling pretty fantastic. Perhaps slightly manic, as I made some pre-Christmas purchases I shouldn’t have and am now dealing with some repercussions of a couple of those. But I was feeling human. I had all these ideas in my head. I was ready to take on the world.
But today I feel like a dud . Empty and lonely and so very lost. Tired and unproductive, with no idea what direction my life is going. I fell asleep at 5:00 PM yesterday and didn’t wake up until 11:00 this morning. I want to scream!!!
All of the above was 2 days ago. I haven’t been able to push myself to write or to do much of anything. Last night and even this morning waking up I was thinking of wanting to give up. Something about the new year, being 44 and not having done shit with my life. Feeling stuck and hopeless while at the same time being thankful for all I do have leads to dark thoughts. BUT I am pulling myself away from the darkness one last time. ONE LAST TIME, because I have a 12 year old who needs me, and a 17 year old, and a 19 year old. It is time for me to be stronger than I have ever been. My life may be over, but for those 3 life is just beginning. So today I join the YMCA because my little man wants to start exercising and get in shape. And today I start diligently looking for a job I can manage so I have something of my own once these boys are all grown up and living their own lives. I want them to see their mom finally was strong and pushed through. Even though the sads are eating away at me today.
So… Here’s to 2019! May we all be strong and find our way and when the sads come on strong and we are feeling overwhelmed let’s be gentle with ourselves. Because I’m not giving up quite yet. Another year? Maybe 2? Let’s see where it goes…
I love roman numerals. I always have. That’s why I used them in the title of this post. It’s a little thing. a little thing I never really thought about when I hated myself and thought I wanted to die. I am 44 and I am re-discovering and initially discovering what I like and what makes me happy. I smile more now. I have even noticed the shift when I go out and about the city. It may be because I am no longer looking at the ground constantly and avoiding making eye contact with people, but I notice now that people smile a lot and good things have been happening for me. They are again little things, like the lady at the makeup kiosk who told me they don’t accept my coupon, but gave me a free lipstick and mascara instead (I didn’t even buy anything) or the extra 15% off I got on the new clothes I bought or just the people who have been so nice and so friendly. I feel more in sync with the universe than I ever have.
It is strange coming to terms with my strengths and my weaknesses, my faults and my abilities. About a week ago I took a few days off from my supplements. I quickly realized that was not a good idea. I was feeling a bit sad and unproductive and I began to hear that voice telling me I was lazy and a waste, but this was another instance where I didn’t give into the voice. This time however I decided I would take a microdose of my San Pedro at bedtime, hoping that would cure the oncoming depressive episode I was feeling. I was sick all night! and all the next day. I stayed in bed and thought what a mistake I had made and why was I so stupid! Then I fell asleep around 7:00 PM and slept until 8:00 o’clock the next morning. I woke up feeling ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS! Ok, actually I woke up hesitantly, wondering if I was okay. It took me a few minutes to get up, but when I did I acknowledged how well I felt. Since then, aside from the moment I had driving to pick up my son (see previous post) I have been doing better than ever. I am taking my supplements diligently, but not microdosing. I feel the extreme stomach upset was the universe telling me I am ready for a break from microdosing. I have altered my diet. I am eating nutrient dense foods and drinking a lot of water. I prepared and saved individual single portions of a green smoothie which I drink each day. My green smoothies are vegetables, fruit, and water only. Nothing additional added. I bought myself some new clothes. I had my hair done. I even went and had a facial! a real facial. I feel beautiful! Now my goal is to save money and find a job I enjoy.
I am okay being me. Finally! I deserve to be here. We ALL deserve to be here!
When I have moments now I feel strong enough to combat them. I may even have days where I am depressed and feel useless and worthless. That’s okay! I feel this hope inside me and I fucking love it! I am looking forward to a career. I am looking forward to a home that shows who I really am. I am looking forward to wearing clothes I picked out on my own just for me. I am looking forward to the rest of my life.
I do not think I will ever be consistent in my writing, but that is okay. This is me and and for the first time since I was a little girl I am okay being me. Yesterday I had a moment and it was interesting. The shift is real for me, but it is still hard to believe. Yesterday my son called me from school. I am not a “good” mom. I have trouble getting my kids to school on time (one is 17 and drives himself, but he has picked up my habits and his first period teacher doesn’t see him nearly as often as she should). The other is in middle school and we made a deal together that we would get him to school on time, get his homework done, his daily reading done, and brush his teeth before school and before bed everyday until winter break. If we do that we are going to go get pizza after school on the last day before the break begins. As of yesterday we were doing well in this regard. I’ve been feeling more positive and he has been feeling more positive as well. He even went to school with a small stomach ache, but around 11:30 I received a phone call. He was in the nurses office (I have a feeling the severity of his stomach aches coincides with his 4th period class where he doesn’t care for his teacher). I agreed to come and pick him up. As I was driving to the school that little voice, the voice that has grown so very quiet recently, started jabbering away. That voice started in with the standard, “You should just kill yourself.” and went on from there, “Why are you still alive? You worthless idiot.”etc…etc… Then it attacked me as a mother, “What do you think the school thinks of you? Your kids late all the time. You are a piece of shit mother that can’t even raise your kids right.” and on and on. BUT this time I wasn’t going to listen. I was not going to take it! “Guess what voice?” I said, “Your words are pointless. I am here. I exist. And so do my kids! I love them beyond measure and I may not be the best mom, but I’m what they’ve got and they need me to stay alive. I spent way too many years thinking I was worthless and it effected my parenting. Yes it did. If I hadn’t been constantly criticizing myself and living in my head with you, you horrible mean voice, I wouldn’t have made as many mistakes and I would have been more attentive, but guess what? I wasn’t! and I fucked up here and there, but I’m here now and you voice, you are going to shut the fuck up and let me be a mom and a woman and a human! I will never be perfect and I am okay with that now. What I will be is the best I can be. I am gong to pick up my son and I am not going to worry about what I think the rest of the world thinks of me and I’m not going to listen to you telling me I shouldn’t be alive! I’m not going to listen to you any longer!”. I then picked up my son and took him out to eat (fried rice, chicken, no vegetables) and took his happy little butt back to school. He finished out his day, came home finished up his social studies project, and read his book until ten o’clock when I said, “Oh crap! it’s an hour past your bedtime. Brush you teeth. Brush your teeth. Brush your teeth and let’s get you to bed. We’ve got to stay on track.” and you know what? that’s exactly what he did. And guess what? We got to school this morning with 5 minutes to spare and his older brother left the house with plenty of time to get himself to school on time.