Last Post

Yesterday I wrote my suicide note. I published it privately so my family can see it if they ever find this blog. I don’t belong in this world. I just don’t. I was trying to hold on, but it seems the more I hold on the worse it gets. In my suicide note I said I hope someday our society gets it and I hope when a cure is found for depression like mine that it is shared with everyone, not just the elite and those who can afford it. I don’t imagine it will be though, what better way to kill off the poor? Have them kill themselves.

I wish I was strong enough to stay. My oldest son is running for president of his college for next year. He is campaigning for one of the commissioners in the county his college is in. Next week he is going to California for a conference then the following week he is going to meet the United States Attorney General. He wants to go to law school and become a politician someday. I believe he will do it. I just don’t ever want him to be like me. I am such a fucking failure. Such a worthless fucking failure and no I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I know there are a lot of people out there who have it a lot worse than I do. I wish with all my everything I could give someone my healthy body and just kill my fucking mind. Wouldn’t that be perfect? I am still trying to figure out how to time it right so I can somehow donate my organs once I am gone. I really am in a very dark place right now. It hurts. Inside my mind it hurts so very much. My stomach is in knots and I feel the need to vomit. But this is it. I am done. I hate myself, who I was and who I am. I just could not get it right. If anyone ever reads this, please be more understanding of those who struggle with treatment resistant depression, especially those who can’t afford all the different avenues of treatment available out there. Because we aren’t lazy and we aren’t faking it to get attention. Most of us sit in our homes hiding away from the world trying to fight the demons in our head all by ourselves. We compare ourselves to those living “normal” lives or at least those who can function and ask ourselves what is so wrong with us that we can’t just be fucking normal? Why can’t I hold a job and be able to provide for my kids like all the other single moms who work their asses off? Why can’t I find someone who will love me for me and accept me as I am like so many other women do? Why do I have people in my life who tell me they wish I could have completed suicide the first time? or others who say there’s nothing they can do if I am suicidal so they just try to hit on me and get in my pants. Why do I feel guilt asking anyone for monetary help? Because I am not deserving because I can’t work. Then I hate myself more for not being able to push myself so I can make my mother and my kids proud. So they can see a successful mom and have better lives because of it. BUT I CAN’T! I have tried and tried and tried and tried and then tried again. I am so fucking tired of existing. I’m so tired of hurting and hating myself for hurting because I know people are hurting worse than I am and they still continue to exist. I hate this world! I hate our society that doesn’t care about anyone who can’t “pull themselves up by their boot straps”. I hate this society that blames people for their mental health and not being able to control it. I hate how weak I am. How unfocused and unhappy. Worthless, Useless, burden on society. Where is all the beauty in this world? And, one last thing, to the new age plant medicine world, you are a capitalist entity. Your only concern is for helping those who can afford it. You don’t care about bringing up humanity any more than the elite 1% does. Please stop pretending you do.

Thank you to the few people who read my blog here and there. Sorry to say my life wasn’t a success.

Day 3

Slow going this morning even though I woke up at 6:30 AM. But it’s okay. I am about to clean house then get to working on my project. I have decided I am going to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro. Yes, you read that right. I am going to get my project going. I am going to be consistent with going kickboxing and begin lifting weights to build more muscle for my knee (last month when I was in Alaska and did a 6 mile hike to a glacier my knee went out for the last mile back to the car. It wasn’t fun). So… March 8th, 2020, I am either going to give up and give in to the depression or I am going to be on a plane headed to Tanzania!

Edit: I’ve been doing research and won’t be heading to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro until August 2020 at the earliest. Most likely September or October. Don’t want to go during the rainy season. Also, I will be showcasing my project items at a friend’s booth at a craft fair next weekend. It’s really happening!

 

Day 2

I feel like hell today. Not physically, mentally. This morning I attempted to will myself through the depression. It hasn’t worked, but I haven’t given up. Yesterday I went and picked up a table saw, a miter saw, and a sander from my ex. This morning I set up my work area in my garage. I moved all of my other tools from my back porch into my garage. I spent most of the morning watching how to videos and figuring out my new miter saw. I wanted to smile and enjoy all of it, but I don’t. That pretty much sums it up to me that my depression really is a brain issue. Something I’ve of course known all along, but it’s been so long since I’ve attempted a project I want to do that I think I half convinced myself that I would do this and the depression would miraculously dissipate and and fly off into oblivion leaving me forever. But my damn brain is broken and just “doing things I enjoy” isn’t going to correct my mental health. However, I am still going to keep trying until March 8th, 2020. So I am going plant window shopping with a friend today and discuss logo design for my project (which I will share when it comes to fruition). I am hoping being out and about with a positive friend will motivate me to do the one thing I haven’t been able to push myself to do… I need to sell all the extra shit in my garage that I don’t want. I’d really like to just donate all of it, but I need the money to fund my project. So I have to post the items and face people who might want to buy my crap. That is so hard for me. Way harder than it should be and I know if the depression and anxiety weren’t there I could do it with ease. That makes me so angry! Just fix yourself brain! DAMN IT!!!

Day One

Another bad day. Almost 3:00 PM and I have hardly done anything. I did reach out to some people and got some closure on some things. I managed to potentially procure a tablesaw to pick up tomorrow. For a project I am starting. I still just want to give up. So very much! I cried quite a bit today. I’d like to go to sleep and never wake up, but here I am until March 8th, 2020. I am trying to take it moment by moment and not hate myself too much, even though I do. I see the MD next Monday.  A new one. I don’t hold out much hope, but perhaps she can refer me to a new therapist. My current therapist sees me off my insurance, so I can see another one. Who knows, perhaps two therapists is the answer? This evening I am going to work in the garage and post items online to sell, then I will have the money I need to buy the remainder of the supplies to begin my project. It is keeping me going to some extent. I think if I wasn’t depressed I would enjoy living. That makes me sad. Everything makes me sad.

 

Setting a New Date

Yesterday was a bad day. I am lonely, I am broke, and the depression is way to strong right now. I spent 90% of my day yesterday watching Netflix and playing candy crush. Today I want to be productive, but I can’t stop crying. I want to reach out to someone, but I have no one left. I want to run away, but I have no where to go. Sometimes I think one of the hardest things is, I wouldn’t mind being poor if I wasn’t so alone. If I had someone in my corner, but everyone is gone. My depression, my selfishness, my inability to fit in or relate or act like a normal smiling human being having a regular old conversation, has pushed everyone away. Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I hate myself. I hate the depression. I hate the way my brain works and my inability to just function. And I am tired. I am tired of myself. I am tired of not being able to push myself and not being able to be a present and supportive friend to others. I’m tired of my inability to interact with the world on a consistent basis. I don’t want to be alone and I am tired of not being who I want myself to be,

A part of me is still telling me I should give up. SO… last night I decided it’s time for me to set another date. Not a suicide date, not this time. A Give-In date. Essentially, a depression coming out date. If by March 8th, 2020 I am still in the same predicament/mental state that I am now I am going to reach out to everyone. I am going to speak out about my suicide attempt and my continued struggle. I am going to discuss the hatred I have for myself, the guilt, and the shame. Including my thoughts on loneliness, poverty, and the insidious pain of long term treatment resistant depression. I think that is reasonable. Perhaps keeping the severity of it hidden is not beneficial to me. And honestly if I’m open about it and there are repercussions it doesn’t really matter, I don’t think I can feel any additional shame/guilt/hopelessness than I already do. But for now I will keep on day by day and attempt to push myself to do what I can to help myself.

Starting Anew, maybe…

Say it with confidence! Can I? The past week has been hell inside my head. Nothing really changed on the outside. On the outside life has actually been pretty good, pretty normal as far as lives go. But last week I was researching guns online. I had no idea how truly easy it is to buy a gun! That scares me. If I had a gun it would be all to easy to take my life in a moment of despair. Just one moment to end it all, when what if I changed my mind the following moment? With a gun it wouldn’t matter. It would be over like a finger snap. And I get it. I was almost there. If I had had a gun in the house at that moment I might have done it. But the thought of my kids still kept me from purchasing a gun that day and now I am doing better. It took a lot to get me here. I think I may have done as much work in this past week as I did during my month in Peru. I didn’t want to tell anyone how badly I was doing. I stand in my belief that after a certain point, a certain number of years or incidents, people don’t care about your depression any longer. They know they can’t help you and being around someone with a mental health issue year after year drains them. They do want to see you better, they just don’t have the capacity to fix you. Which is fair. So I didn’t tell anyone. Thankfully I had a girl’s night planned with a friend on Saturday, which began the beginning of another stage of healing. My friend rented an air bnb on 3 acres with a hot tub. I brought wine and snacks, my friend brought the weed, and our other friends brought more snacks, beer, and mushrooms. Yes mushrooms. And so began our journey! I set my intention to work through my deepest shit. The mushrooms did not disappoint, but I was frustrated. “aren’t I supposed to feel better after a mushroom trip? Isn’t that what all the research says? Why do I feel worse?”. It was a great time with my girlfriends, but I realized how very much I hate myself and how worthless I truly tell myself I am. What goes on inside my head is so very ugly and cruel. It is abusive. I abuse myself every single damn day. So I came home and felt sad and hopeless. Life was pointless and I’m always going to be useless. I’ve failed at life and might as well give up all the way. So Monday after the kids got off to school and I was sitting doing my usual nothing, attempting to motivate myself to be productive and want to live, I decided to take a bit more than a microdose of San Pedro. I figured if I was again contemplating buying a gun to end my life taking some pyschadelics couldn’t do any more harm than that. I was in an altered state the entire rest of the day. I thought a lot about life and the beauty of it all. I was definitely at peace and wishing I could feel the same peace in a non altered state. I wonder why my brain is so broken and if I’ll ever be able to rewire it the way I’ve heard it has happened for others when working with the plant medicines. I went to sleep that night feeling positive and hopeful. The next morning I woke up back to my old self and I wanted to scream! and scream! and scream! Tuesday and Wednesday I just managed to get by. I kept busy and I played a lot of candy crush to keep my mind from thinking. I helped my son dye his hair and that made me smile. We had a good Wednesday evening, but once they were settled in bed I could not fall asleep. Around 1:00 AM I vaped a little weed (a new thing for me, but it helps me sleep) and I started watching The Secret Life of Walter Smitty. I had watched it once before and remember liking it very much. It was exactly what I needed! The movie and a slight high and the lightbulb lit up. My life isn’t even close to over. There are people starting over and beginning to live at every age. Yes I have depression. Yes I have a crappy work history. I’m probably never going to fit into mainstream society, but I am finally okay with that. I realized I have given up over and over. I have doubted myself so very much that with each failure (for lack of a better word) I stopped trying. I blamed myself and told myself no one will ever like me. I will never fit in anywhere and I will never be successful because I don’t fit the mold of someone who is successful. Last night I realized it is all bullshit! There are people out there like me. They are definitely harder to find. Probably really damn hard to find, but they are out there. In actuality, It’s kind of arrogant to think I am solo in this journey of life in the way my brain works. So I am going to start searching. I am going to apply for hundreds of jobs and I am going to fully be myself and quit trying to fit myself into the box of normalcy that doesn’t work for me. I am going to be proactive and at the same time have patience. I am truly going to fully me and see where the road now takes me. I’m not giving up any longer.

World Suicide Prevention Day is BS

Not for everyone, but for me. I dropped my son off at school this morning. He is in seventh grade, his second year of middle school. Last year was hard. He struggled a lot with depression and anxiety. This year he is doing well. No more fighting to get him up in the morning, or off to school. No more tears at night or stomach aches. It’s been almost a year and a half since I left his dad and I think we are finally mostly healed. It has made a difference in him. As I was driving home after dropping him I was listening to the radio. “It’s National Suicide Prevention Day they said.” and my mind went dark.

National Suicide Prevention Day, that’s a bunch of bullshit.  I am back to not doing well. If it wasn’t for my youngest son (the one in middle school) I would complete suicide today, on National Suicide Prevention Day. Because society doesn’t really care. Oh, society would say they care. If I completed suicide today society would say, “See! This is why we need a day like today, National Suicide Prevention day. So more people like her don’t take their own lives”. But they don’t really mean people like me. They mean successful people. People who contribute to society. Not lazy moochers like me who live off the government and can’t hold a job. They mean people like my sister. She’s hardly worked a day in her adult life, but she has a husband who supports her and therefore she is worth something. And she’s not a nice person. We were on a family cruise a few year’s back and she threw a fit because she wanted a stuffed animal. She sent her husband running all over the cruise ship until he found one for her! Another time she began yelling at her husband because he drank a few sips of her soda in the car. She complains about him whenever I spend time with her and once even said she wished he would die so she could get the insurance money. If she were to complete suicide society would care. Society doesn’t complain about women like her. She doesn’t hear or see in the media ever day that she is a worthless burden on society. Her friends and loved ones don’t post on social media that someone like her should get off her lazy ass and get a job.

I wish I could do it just because I am lazy and worthless. Because I am a burden and I don’t deserve to live and until our society truly changes the way it treats people with mental illness all this National Suicide Prevention Day is nothing but bullshit. No one gives a shit until your dead. “I wish I had known. I would have been there for her.” No you wouldn’t have! I have lost so many friends and family members over the years due to my depression and inability to heal myself or control my mental health. I’ve been blamed for my mental health by loved ones and society. I’ve tried western medicine, eastern medicine, alternative treatments and here I still am… contemplating suicide on National Suicide Prevention Day. Perhaps if I was a better depressed person, if my mental illness was more pleasant and likable, maybe then society would care.

But alas, I am not going to do it. Not now and most likely not anytime soon. Even though I should. No one cares and no one is going to care, but that’s okay. If I am a lazy worthless bum, then I am a lazy worthless bum. If I end up homeless in a year, then I end up homeless in a year. I hate myself. I hate my lazy good for absolutely nothing worthless failure of a human being self. But that’s okay too. Because I can’t turn off my brain (I’ve tried for years and years) and I can’t change society. So for now I’ll waste another day sitting here pretending I am going to figure out a way to be a productive member of society by June of 2020.

Depression Over the Years and the Remedies I have tried

*I am not a doctor or any type of medical professional. I do not recommend modalities of any type, I am only presenting what I have tried and what has and hasn’t worked for me.*

I was first diagnosed with depression at the age of 20, though it began at 12 years of age when I went through puberty.

The first medication I was prescribed was Paxil. It worked fairly quickly. I felt outgoing and positive again for a few months. When it stopped working the doctors prescribed Prozac. It worked as well, however I develop neck and shoulder pain/tightness that was debilitating. I stopped taking it because of this.

From there it was a merry-go-round of medication trials. I was on and off Wellbutrin for 12 years. It kept me from becoming suicidal, but I was irritable and had difficulty with impulse control.

During the times the Wellbutrin wasn’t working or I was not taking it, the doctors prescribed a myriad of other medications. Prescriptions for antidepressants, mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics, etc… I feel like I tried just about everything out there. They either didn’t work or I could not tolerate the side effects.

I saw several naturopaths as well over the years. I tired St. John’s Wort, 5-HTP, Lithium Orotate, Magnesium, Rhodiola, Viamin-D, Fish Oil, L-theanine, Reishi mushroom, Cats Claw, a daily multi-vitamin, and many more. They all worked to some degree, but the depression, the suicidal ideation, the impulse control issues, and the anxiety was never fully kept at bay.

I have also worked with plant medicines to include, Ayahuasca, San Pedro, Cannabis, and Kratom. I feel they have had the greatest positive impact on my life and I see future ceremonies in my future.

In my recovery I have also participated in retreats (both plant medicine and meditation retreats), healing through time in mother nature, exercise: gym and kickboxing and trampolining for 3 months at our local indoor trampoline park (it’s quite a workout), therapy, support groups, a healthy whole-foods diet (I’ve been a vegetarian for 11 years), positive thinking, mindfulness, yoga, sound healing, epigenetics work, etc…

It’s been a journey through hell, but I can genuinely say I have come out on the other side and there is hope. It can get better! Please don’t give up! When I began this blog I honestly did not believe I would still be alive today and I definitely did not believe I could want to be alive. It’s worth it! It really truly is! Hang on and keep trying. I’m always here to help.

 

 

Depression, Family Dynamics, and Hope for the Future

It’s been awhile since I’ve written. I am still here! I hope you all are too! It’s been quite a journey. Recently I went on an off road camping adventure with a girlfriend. She has a jeep. A brand new jeep. A brand new fancy basically self driving jeep designed specifically for off roading. For some of the trip I had to get out of the jeep and walk. The sheer cliff on our left side, on the bumpy dirt road we were on was just too much for me. My friend didn’t miss a beat. “Sure, jump out. No problem. You want to go ahead of me or me go ahead of you?” She’s an amazing friend!

I haven’t been surrounded by a lot of people in my life who just accepted me and my quirks, but over the past few months I have been expanding my circle and letting new people into my life. It has been the most beautiful experience! There really are some amazing people out there. I have also released all of the shame and guilt I held over being estranged from my daughter and not liking or getting along with my sister. It is empowering and a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I have also let go of my anger and resentment of others.

This did not come easily. I spent time recently in service at a meditation center. While in service, you perform duties around the meditation center to help get it ready for the next meditation course. You also get 3 hours a day of silent meditation. During my silent meditation hours I went deep into meditation. I dropped into a dark whole and explored a lot of my fears and my beliefs. At night my dreams were extremely intense, bringing up all the issues I had worked on in meditation. (*I do realize meditation is for clearing your mind, however even when focusing on your breathe or your body (as you do in Vipassanna) issues arise that you work through and find relief for your mind, body, and soul.) It is not easy work, but it is worth it.

I am no longer suicidal. I do not believe the suicidal ideation will return. I will still have bad days. I will still have days where I doubt myself, but as long as I continue on my journey I know I will be okay. Please don’t ever give up!

Acceptance of Something…

I have accepted I cannot complete suicide. My 12 year old needs me. His dad just lost his apartment and is now renting a room in someone else’s home. So, unless he gets his shit together and can keep a stable place for my son to stay, then I am stuck on this earth. But I still don’t want to be here. I’ve been trying recently, but I can’t play the game. I need to find a living wage job within the next year or I will be homeless myself. When most days you feel like you aren’t worth anything that’s a hard thing to make happen. I have a good deal of supportive people in my life, but not any that can hand me a job. Well… that’s not true. There is one, but with that I would have to move to another state and that would devastate my son. He doesn’t see his father enough as it is. If I took him far away from what family we do have it would break his heart. I don’t know why I can’t just go out and get a damn job! Why my brain is so broken it can’t function “normally” for more than a few days! Why I can’t face the world and fit in somewhere. Poor me! Poor me! I don’t feel sorry for myself. I feel thankful for all that I do have. I feel thankful for all the opportunities I have had that I have fucked up. I feel thankful I currently have a roof over my head and food to eat. I have a car and my kids are all healthy and thriving for the most part. Aside from my brain, I am physically healthy. And I just can’t figure out how to put it all together and push myself to find a job. I hate myself, but I don’t feel sorry for myself. I don’t want to exist in this manner any longer.