Another day. Another day. Another day. Scream. Cry. Laugh it all off. Be fucking normal! Be fucking normal! Be fucking normal! Reply to messages. Be considerate. Quiet that voice. Shut it up. Shut it down. Be fucking normal! Scream! Scream! Scream! Meditate. Why? What’s the point? Trust the universe? This life… The afterlife… What is now? Be present. Pain. Exhaustion. Appreciate. Work harder. Be stronger. Change. Don’t scream. Breath. Relax. Cry. Don’t cry. Focus on the normal. Focus on sanity. What is sanity in an insane world? Fake it until you make it. What does that even really mean? and why? Why? I hate me. I love me. So many mistakes. Move forward. Change. Be real. Be confident. Keep on. Don’t give up. Old. Ugly. Worthless. Wasted years. So many more to come. Stay healthy. Get a job. Make money. Spend it to feel beautiful. Exercise. Who cares what I think they think! My mind is not my friend. My mind is cruel and unforgiving. It does not like me. If it did it would be kind and considerate. The world scares me in a way. People scare me and yet they don’t. I was brave once. At lease semi-brave. I am angry. So very angry, at me, at my mind. I want to disappear. To disappear. Into oblivion. I want to connect and be a part of society. I hate me. Who the fuck am I? The point is, there is no point. Just live. Stop thinking so much. Just live. Just fucking live! Be open. Be you. Do not listen to your mind when it says, “lazy worthless stupid bitch”. Do not listen. It’s okay to be crazy. If crazy is what you are. Crazy… What an awful word. Don’t define me. Don’t define myself. I almost gave up again last night and I thought -I am crazy. I will never fit into this world. I will never be a success in the eyes of society. I will never be able to pull it off.. being “normal”. I am not and never will be. Where does that leave me now? How do I move forward now? I have wasted my life away or have I? I don’t want to pretend any longer. I am struggling. I need help. I need support. I need to be me. I need to… I need to… I need to scream! and scream and scream. To go back and time and come out normal. What I wouldn’t give to go back in time and come out normal! Fuck!
I am accepting consistency is not my forte. In the past my inner voice would have told me what a worthless failure I am. I know my patterns now and how I beat myself into a downward spiral of self hatred. It only took me 44 1/2 years and 2 grown children hating me for me to get it! Yesterday I visited a girlfriend, one I appreciate beyond measure. She let me talk and talk and talk. We discussed the entire path of my life, beginning when I was 8 years old and my eye doctor touched my butt (he touched my butt every time I saw him, twice a year until I was 15 and moved to a different city). We talked about all the ugly things and some of the beautiful things of my life. Things I have discussed with therapists many times, but for some reason this time it all clicked for me and I understood how I got to where I am and why I am the way I am. And maybe, just maybe I finally feel strong enough to free myself. Maybe, just maybe, I finally know deep in my heart that I am not worthless (at least for today).
I don’t. I don’t feel sorry for myself. My life’s not great, but it isn’t bad. I have a lot to be thankful for, but that doesn’t make the urge to die any less. Is this how celebrities who complete suicide feel? I was reading comments on an article today; an article discussing Robin Williams and his son’s grief. A woman commented how hurt she was over her sister completing suicide and how she couldn’t believe her sister had done that to her. I’m still not sure exactly how that made me feel, a bit sad, a bit angry, and a slew of other emotions. One of my son’s close friends passed away this month, on May 7th. She was 12. When I think about that I feel like a piece of shit selfish asshole mother fucker. But I still feel like I want to die. As a matter of fact I really don’t think I have ever been this close. I see why people pop random pills. I see why people don’t leave a note. I wish we were technologically capable of doing full body transplants and I could leave someone my physical health. But I think I’ve mentioned that in the past. It would be nice to be able to donate my organs, but not necessary. Ah hell. At some point I’ll quit writing about it and just do it.
Today I sincerely want to die. I no longer want to exist, through my entire being. I am holding on for my kids, but I don’t want to and if this feeling lasts I fear I won’t make it. This is the problem with thinking someone is fine. The reason, I suspect, why people complete suicide at a time when everyone thinks they are happy and their life had gotten so much better. Everyone in my life is under that impression. Most days I even write (or journal) about how hopeful I am now and how I am fighting the depression, but it’s really all a lie, because our society does not give a true ounce of caring to a person who cannot fight the depression and win and “get over it” eventually. Our society loves the “I beat depression” story. Our society also loves the “If only we’d seen it sooner” story when someone completes suicide. But the person who attempts to fight the depression and suicidal thoughts again and again, year after year, our society would prefer all of us just disappear. I can’t get a job, then I can’t hold a job. Disability isn’t enough to live on. On my good days I can come up with ideas for a side hustle to make some extra money, but attempting to implement it by myself is impossible, especially when I have a bad day like today. And if I tell my friends and family members I am struggling and contemplating suicide, they don’t know what to do any more and half of them think it is just a manipulation and I am lazy and selfish. I wish my kids didn’t need me. I wish me being gone wouldn’t effect them. I just want it to be over once and for all. I can’t handle another cycle of depression. I don’t want to be on this earth any longer. I really don’t. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Is that too much to ask?
TRIGGER WARNING rape
I was 14 the first time I was raped. He was 21. It was my fault though.
I had been staying the night at my best friend’s house. Her mom was young (she was 15 when she had her). A single mom with 3 kids. She worked a lot of hours. A day job at a retail store and a night job at a local bar. She didn’t receive any child support from the father of her children and they lived in a rundown trailer park. My best friend was dating a friend of the man who raped me. He was 22 I believe. They were so fun and so cool, and they had a car! They picked us up that night and took us to a cemetery near their apartment. They bought us alcohol and I remember drinking from the time we climbed into the vehicle. I WAS 14! After the cemetery they took us back to their apartment. It was fun. We were laughing and talking. I was the girl with the attitude and it was the first time I learned to let men make mean jokes towards me for being loud and outspoken. It’s been a lot of years since then and I don’t fully remember the night, but I know I ended up on a mattress in the bedroom with that man. I remember being back at my friend’s house and all of them laughing and joking about it. I remember being called a slut and a ho. I remember never telling my parents and I remember beginning to believe I was all the negative things our society says women are. I WAS 14! After that I remeber all the times I let men touch men when I didn’t want them to. I remember saying no, then saying no again, and again, but finally giving in. I remember hating myself from that day forward. I remember the few men I have confided in over the years all telling me it was my fault. I remember girlfriends I confided in laughing it off or telling me their similar stories and then we’d go about our days.
And I remember last week, when at 44 years of age I went on a date with a man who is 56. I remember how he kept grabbing my hand and touching my back, hugging me and trying to get a kiss and all I could do was laugh it off. I couldn’t speak up and say “No”. I couldn’t utter the words, “I don’t like that” or “that makes me uncomfortable”. What kind of 44 year old woman can’t handle a little hand holding and a kiss? I have 4 kids for God’s sake! Just let the man show these little bits of affection. It’s innocent enough!
I saw my therapist on Wednesday. I cried so hard she had to remind me to breathe, Several times. And then I cried some more and the tears are flowing as I type this. I cried for that 14 year old girl. And I cried for that same girl when she was 12 and the boy took her in his tent at the camp ground and he convinced her to touch it and she hated it. and there was no adult to protect her and when she returned to her own camp sight her own father asked her where she had been and called her a floosy. SHE WAS 12!
What kind of father, what kind of society blames a 12 year old girl? What kind of society tells a 14 year old girl it is her fault when a 22 year old man rapes her? What kind of society conditions so many women to believe they are less than? They are undeserving of body autonomy? I wish I could have been there for that little girl who was me. I wish I could have held her and told her it wasn’t her fault and to stay strong. That she was worthy. That no man had the right to touch her body without her full and open consent! I would make sure she knew so she wouldn’t become me! She wouldn’t have learned to just let them do it and get it over with so you can get out of the situation. She wouldn’t have learned to settle and put up with 2 unhealthy and abusive relationships. She wouldn’t have family who supported her abusers and continued the cycle of victim blaming. She wouldn’t be me and I would be okay with that. I am thankful I have worked through the suicidal ideation and won’t make another attempt, but I wish I was the woman I could have been. I wish I could go back to when I was 10 and start over.
I continue to be free of any suicidal ideation. I am changing. Life is changing. I am still stuggling with my depression and anxiety, but I am fighting it like I never have. The situation with my ex was a minor blip in my journey. I have worked through it and am able to move past it and continue moving forward. I have been putting my trust in the universe and I encourage others to do the same. I am strong. I am moving forward. My life is full of beauty and abundance (even when things are rough). There is no reason for hate or sadness. It is time for me to let go. It is time for the next step in my journey. It is time to go inward. It is time to believe. Love from here on out. No hate for him. No hate for anyone. Life is good and beautiful. I have happiness within me. I am the only person in charge of my destiny. I am done, fully and completely, hating myself.
It shouldn’t bother me that you are with him, but lately I have had to remind myself that I was the one who kicked him out. I didn’t want to be with him and there are many reasons for that. At the end of February this year I made a mistake and let him back into my life. He told me about the baby on the way. I don’t think it’s yours though. You already have four kids and he said the pregnant one was a different woman. A woman he only had sex with twice, removed the condom, and low and behold the woman ended up pregnant. He and I hooked up four times since we started talking again in February. What was I thinking? He pitched our son’s conference to me. Invited me to come along on the little road trip to visit his brother. A little family vacation, him and I our son and my oldest son. I fell for it all so quickly, but I knew in my soul that something wasn’t right. He told me you were spiritual like me and that you have four kids with two different fathers like me. He also said you were crazy like me and he had to block you on social media and every other avenue and he was never going to unblock you, but we both know that wasn’t true. He got mad at me quickly because I wanted things to turn into a real relationship. I asked him to spend time with me and I wanted to know more about the baby (the due date for instance). My dumbass was already fantasizing about raising his baby together with our son (I should slap myself I know). I fell into it so quickly. We even spent a night with our son sleeping on the air mattress in the living room while he and I “made love” (his term not mine) in his room. I want to vomit when I think of it. I’m inclined to think you are like the other women he has had in his life over the years. None of them ever stopped to think about the 13 years I spent with him. They jumped to believe I am “the crazy white bitch” he says I am, but you’ve met my kids. My amazing kids! They didn’t raise themselves. He wasn’t there close to the amount of time you think he was. I can’t remember a single evening he sat and helped Cristian with his homework. When we lived together he left at 8:00 am and didn’t get home until 9:30/10:00 almost every night. You’re probably inclined to believe it was because I was such a horrible bitch. I can live with that. I remember when he and I were first dating. I was a single mom with 3 kids. Our first Christmas dating he borrowed $2000 from me. A single man in his thirties borrowing $2000 from a single mom with 3 kids? That picture alone should tell you something. There were so many nights he would disappear and not answer his phone and yet I still wanted him in my life. This went on for years. Years! 13 to be exact. But I chose to stay. I am thankful I finally found my way out. Last year on this exact day was the last time I saw him until a little over a month ago. And I was fine when his standard behaviors showed up again. I saw myself going back to my old habits of getting upset and I knew I didn’t want to go back to that. Then he accused me of attempting to hack into his email and I wondered if it was you who did that. The next morning I woke up and he had blocked me on all of his social media and that’s when I found you. I was mad. How did this man, who hadn’t paid child support over the entire past year, afford all of these outings and activities with a woman and her four kids? A man who everyone thinks is a fabulous dad had time for this woman and her four kids, but saw his own son ONCE over Christmas break? So many thoughts ran through my head, but mostly I hoped that you saw my wonderful son and as a mother realized this kid is a product of his mother raising him, not his part-time dad. And maybe just maybe you thought about what I had gone through. Then I got pissed. My mother informed me she paid his rent a little over a month ago. Why is this man who can afford dating a woman with four kids and has another woman pregnant borrowing money from my mom? What about you? What about her? What about your mom? Her mom? All the friends who attend his parties and events? His own family? Thankfully I was able to calm myself and not contact you or attempt to find the pregnant woman. I did speak with his older brother though and I was thankful for that. He validated me. A grown man at the age of 45 who lives in a one bedroom apartment, doesn’t pay child support, and supposedly works 12 hour days, should be able to afford his own shit and not be taking money from his ex-wife’s 75 year old mother! And that is why I am pissed. I know now I want a real love and I will never find it with him. I am thankful he and I had this brief hook up thing. Now I can walk away with a clear conscience knowing he was never and will never be a stand up honest and supportive partner for me, for you, for anyone, until he faces his addictions and lack of self awareness. That being said I do hope it works out for you and him. From your social media you seem like a good person and my son has never said anything bad about you. I hope someday you can see me as a woman who has gone through hell and not just the crazy white bitch he has always said I am.
I am shaking and I can’t eat, but life is still moving forward. This morning I had a volunteer interview at our local domestic violence support program. I begin 40 hours of volunteer training at the end of the month. It feels right and I am looking forward to it. I don’t think I am suicidal anymore. I am mad. No, I am not mad. I am PISSED! I had a little slip up. Actually, I had four little slip ups. And of course it went bad again. It went bad very quickly. During this time I found out about his girlfriend with four kids and the side chick who is pregnant. And those things are okay because the night I called the police on him and he left my house for good was almost exactly a year ago. So he was single and free to live his life. My issue is that he hasn’t paid child support since last summer. That pisses me off, but I have let it go because I thought it would help him get on his feet. But now I know he has had money to spend on this woman and her 4 kids and I’m upset. And time. He had time for this woman and her kids, but saw our son ONCE over Christmas break. ONCE meaning on Christmas day for 4 hours! But I also tried to let that go. In February, when I came home from my Vipassana silent meditation retreat I was feeling full of love and forgiveness. So what did I do? I contacted him. We talked and laughed and I was convinced all was good. I then proceeded to have 4 different slip ups with him. And then of course things got ugly. I started catching feelings and he, despite his words of caring, didn’t have time for that! Then it turned into arguments and hurt feelings and finally he accused me of trying to hack into his email. I’m too old and too tired for all of that and I let him know exactly that. Then next day he blocked me on all social media and then by phone. I gave myself one day to feel sorry for myself and grieve for making the same mistake one last time and today I got up ready to take on the world. I had my volunteer interview and that was wonderful. I left there feeling like the world was genuinely a good place and maybe there was hope for my and my future. So I did what any normal happy person would do, I stopped to visit my mother. We had a great conversation and then I made my confession to her. Then she made her confession to me… She told me about a month ago he came to her house and asked her for money to pay his rent!!! HIS RENT! He is a 45 year old man with a one bedroom apartment. He supposedly works 12 hour days and every weekend. Where the fuck is his money? And why the fuck is he asking my mom? What about his family? What about his girlfriend and her family? What about his sidechick and her family? LEAVE MY MOTHER THE FUCK ALONE!!! They all have moms. Go see their moms! Ask their mother’s for the money. I don’t even ask my mother for money when I am struggling. She has been through too much and helped too many people over the years (myself included). She deserves to relax and enjoy her life at this point. He needs to take his lies and his addiction elsewhere and I need to be stronger and stay away from him for good and protect my mother! I have spent the entire afternoon shaking and convincing myself not to call him and tell him exactly what I think of him. I am refraining because tonight I am going to a Gma-anon meeting and I am going to tell my story and get some support (did I mention he told me he went to the casino recently and blamed me for it?). and then this weekend I am going to visit my friend’s husband (my friend who recently passed) and bring him a casserole, then I am driving down to visit my bestie from college and get every last one of my feelings out. Then, if I still feel the need I am going to call his brother and tell him his brother needs to stay away from my mother from here on out or I will get a restraining order against him for my mom. I am done being his doormat!
The depression is back. Full on 100%, but that’s okay. One of my closest friends is dying. She is expected to pass within the week. We had a falling out about a year ago. Right after she was first diagnosed with cancer. We had an argument over a car I had sold to her that she wouldn’t pay me for because she had to put work into it herself. It wasn’t the argument that led to the falling out, it was the things she said to me during the argument that led to our falling out. She attacked my character and used every insecurity of mine that I had ever confided in her to tear me down. She sent me emails detailing these things, she posted on social media about me, she texted me. It came to the point where I had to block her at every avenue. I had another friend attempt to explain to me that she was lashing out because of the cancer diagnoses and her own fear of dying. At that time I wasn’t strong enough to be her punching bag and so a month went by, then another month, then another, and suddenly it had been a year. That is when I received a call, about two and a half weeks ago, from our mutual friend, who told me my friend was asking about me and wanting to see me, and so two weeks ago I drove out to see her. She was frail and weak, but still strong spirited with a badass mean streak still holding on. Then my life got busy again and I didn’t get back out to see her until this past Sunday. She can’t get up out of her bed now. She can’t speak but a few words, but she kept saying to my son and I, “I love you”, “I love you guys so much” and it broke my heart. Her daughter was there. She had just gotten there the day before. They had been estranged for many years. It is a complicated and sad family dynamic.
And I hate myself. I hate myself so very much. I want to lie down today and die myself. I have no next step. No plan of attack. No fucking hope. No reason aside from these kids. I am a nothing and I don’t know what to do with that any longer. I should see my friend and appreciate my life more, but I just wish I could trade places with her and give her my body and a second chance. I’m done. There’s no life left in me.
I am not. I am not walking my path. I have given up again. Given in to this voice inside my head who tells me suicide is the answer. Why have I given up? Why have I given in? What makes me believe I am less worthy than everyone else in this world? Why the fuck can’t I get it right? I see my naturopath next week. I don’t know that there is anything left she can do for me, but unless I am willing to put myself out in the world there isn’t much left anyone can do for me. I wish I could run away again. I am going to be nice to myself for this next week and a half. If I don’t make it to the gym I won’t beat myself up. If I sleep in and be lazy I won’t tell myself how worthless I am. I will keep searching and keep looking for something…