Say it with confidence! Can I? The past week has been hell inside my head. Nothing really changed on the outside. On the outside life has actually been pretty good, pretty normal as far as lives go. But last week I was researching guns online. I had no idea how truly easy it is to buy a gun! That scares me. If I had a gun it would be all to easy to take my life in a moment of despair. Just one moment to end it all, when what if I changed my mind the following moment? With a gun it wouldn’t matter. It would be over like a finger snap. And I get it. I was almost there. If I had had a gun in the house at that moment I might have done it. But the thought of my kids still kept me from purchasing a gun that day and now I am doing better. It took a lot to get me here. I think I may have done as much work in this past week as I did during my month in Peru. I didn’t want to tell anyone how badly I was doing. I stand in my belief that after a certain point, a certain number of years or incidents, people don’t care about your depression any longer. They know they can’t help you and being around someone with a mental health issue year after year drains them. They do want to see you better, they just don’t have the capacity to fix you. Which is fair. So I didn’t tell anyone. Thankfully I had a girl’s night planned with a friend on Saturday, which began the beginning of another stage of healing. My friend rented an air bnb on 3 acres with a hot tub. I brought wine and snacks, my friend brought the weed, and our other friends brought more snacks, beer, and mushrooms. Yes mushrooms. And so began our journey! I set my intention to work through my deepest shit. The mushrooms did not disappoint, but I was frustrated. “aren’t I supposed to feel better after a mushroom trip? Isn’t that what all the research says? Why do I feel worse?”. It was a great time with my girlfriends, but I realized how very much I hate myself and how worthless I truly tell myself I am. What goes on inside my head is so very ugly and cruel. It is abusive. I abuse myself every single damn day. So I came home and felt sad and hopeless. Life was pointless and I’m always going to be useless. I’ve failed at life and might as well give up all the way. So Monday after the kids got off to school and I was sitting doing my usual nothing, attempting to motivate myself to be productive and want to live, I decided to take a bit more than a microdose of San Pedro. I figured if I was again contemplating buying a gun to end my life taking some pyschadelics couldn’t do any more harm than that. I was in an altered state the entire rest of the day. I thought a lot about life and the beauty of it all. I was definitely at peace and wishing I could feel the same peace in a non altered state. I wonder why my brain is so broken and if I’ll ever be able to rewire it the way I’ve heard it has happened for others when working with the plant medicines. I went to sleep that night feeling positive and hopeful. The next morning I woke up back to my old self and I wanted to scream! and scream! and scream! Tuesday and Wednesday I just managed to get by. I kept busy and I played a lot of candy crush to keep my mind from thinking. I helped my son dye his hair and that made me smile. We had a good Wednesday evening, but once they were settled in bed I could not fall asleep. Around 1:00 AM I vaped a little weed (a new thing for me, but it helps me sleep) and I started watching The Secret Life of Walter Smitty. I had watched it once before and remember liking it very much. It was exactly what I needed! The movie and a slight high and the lightbulb lit up. My life isn’t even close to over. There are people starting over and beginning to live at every age. Yes I have depression. Yes I have a crappy work history. I’m probably never going to fit into mainstream society, but I am finally okay with that. I realized I have given up over and over. I have doubted myself so very much that with each failure (for lack of a better word) I stopped trying. I blamed myself and told myself no one will ever like me. I will never fit in anywhere and I will never be successful because I don’t fit the mold of someone who is successful. Last night I realized it is all bullshit! There are people out there like me. They are definitely harder to find. Probably really damn hard to find, but they are out there. In actuality, It’s kind of arrogant to think I am solo in this journey of life in the way my brain works. So I am going to start searching. I am going to apply for hundreds of jobs and I am going to fully be myself and quit trying to fit myself into the box of normalcy that doesn’t work for me. I am going to be proactive and at the same time have patience. I am truly going to fully me and see where the road now takes me. I’m not giving up any longer.
Not for everyone, but for me. I dropped my son off at school this morning. He is in seventh grade, his second year of middle school. Last year was hard. He struggled a lot with depression and anxiety. This year he is doing well. No more fighting to get him up in the morning, or off to school. No more tears at night or stomach aches. It’s been almost a year and a half since I left his dad and I think we are finally mostly healed. It has made a difference in him. As I was driving home after dropping him I was listening to the radio. “It’s National Suicide Prevention Day they said.” and my mind went dark.
National Suicide Prevention Day, that’s a bunch of bullshit. I am back to not doing well. If it wasn’t for my youngest son (the one in middle school) I would complete suicide today, on National Suicide Prevention Day. Because society doesn’t really care. Oh, society would say they care. If I completed suicide today society would say, “See! This is why we need a day like today, National Suicide Prevention day. So more people like her don’t take their own lives”. But they don’t really mean people like me. They mean successful people. People who contribute to society. Not lazy moochers like me who live off the government and can’t hold a job. They mean people like my sister. She’s hardly worked a day in her adult life, but she has a husband who supports her and therefore she is worth something. And she’s not a nice person. We were on a family cruise a few year’s back and she threw a fit because she wanted a stuffed animal. She sent her husband running all over the cruise ship until he found one for her! Another time she began yelling at her husband because he drank a few sips of her soda in the car. She complains about him whenever I spend time with her and once even said she wished he would die so she could get the insurance money. If she were to complete suicide society would care. Society doesn’t complain about women like her. She doesn’t hear or see in the media ever day that she is a worthless burden on society. Her friends and loved ones don’t post on social media that someone like her should get off her lazy ass and get a job.
I wish I could do it just because I am lazy and worthless. Because I am a burden and I don’t deserve to live and until our society truly changes the way it treats people with mental illness all this National Suicide Prevention Day is nothing but bullshit. No one gives a shit until your dead. “I wish I had known. I would have been there for her.” No you wouldn’t have! I have lost so many friends and family members over the years due to my depression and inability to heal myself or control my mental health. I’ve been blamed for my mental health by loved ones and society. I’ve tried western medicine, eastern medicine, alternative treatments and here I still am… contemplating suicide on National Suicide Prevention Day. Perhaps if I was a better depressed person, if my mental illness was more pleasant and likable, maybe then society would care.
But alas, I am not going to do it. Not now and most likely not anytime soon. Even though I should. No one cares and no one is going to care, but that’s okay. If I am a lazy worthless bum, then I am a lazy worthless bum. If I end up homeless in a year, then I end up homeless in a year. I hate myself. I hate my lazy good for absolutely nothing worthless failure of a human being self. But that’s okay too. Because I can’t turn off my brain (I’ve tried for years and years) and I can’t change society. So for now I’ll waste another day sitting here pretending I am going to figure out a way to be a productive member of society by June of 2020.
*I am not a doctor or any type of medical professional. I do not recommend modalities of any type, I am only presenting what I have tried and what has and hasn’t worked for me.*
I was first diagnosed with depression at the age of 20, though it began at 12 years of age when I went through puberty.
The first medication I was prescribed was Paxil. It worked fairly quickly. I felt outgoing and positive again for a few months. When it stopped working the doctors prescribed Prozac. It worked as well, however I develop neck and shoulder pain/tightness that was debilitating. I stopped taking it because of this.
From there it was a merry-go-round of medication trials. I was on and off Wellbutrin for 12 years. It kept me from becoming suicidal, but I was irritable and had difficulty with impulse control.
During the times the Wellbutrin wasn’t working or I was not taking it, the doctors prescribed a myriad of other medications. Prescriptions for antidepressants, mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics, etc… I feel like I tried just about everything out there. They either didn’t work or I could not tolerate the side effects.
I saw several naturopaths as well over the years. I tired St. John’s Wort, 5-HTP, Lithium Orotate, Magnesium, Rhodiola, Viamin-D, Fish Oil, L-theanine, Reishi mushroom, Cats Claw, a daily multi-vitamin, and many more. They all worked to some degree, but the depression, the suicidal ideation, the impulse control issues, and the anxiety was never fully kept at bay.
I have also worked with plant medicines to include, Ayahuasca, San Pedro, Cannabis, and Kratom. I feel they have had the greatest positive impact on my life and I see future ceremonies in my future.
In my recovery I have also participated in retreats (both plant medicine and meditation retreats), healing through time in mother nature, exercise: gym and kickboxing and trampolining for 3 months at our local indoor trampoline park (it’s quite a workout), therapy, support groups, a healthy whole-foods diet (I’ve been a vegetarian for 11 years), positive thinking, mindfulness, yoga, sound healing, epigenetics work, etc…
It’s been a journey through hell, but I can genuinely say I have come out on the other side and there is hope. It can get better! Please don’t give up! When I began this blog I honestly did not believe I would still be alive today and I definitely did not believe I could want to be alive. It’s worth it! It really truly is! Hang on and keep trying. I’m always here to help.
It’s been awhile since I’ve written. I am still here! I hope you all are too! It’s been quite a journey. Recently I went on an off road camping adventure with a girlfriend. She has a jeep. A brand new jeep. A brand new fancy basically self driving jeep designed specifically for off roading. For some of the trip I had to get out of the jeep and walk. The sheer cliff on our left side, on the bumpy dirt road we were on was just too much for me. My friend didn’t miss a beat. “Sure, jump out. No problem. You want to go ahead of me or me go ahead of you?” She’s an amazing friend!
I haven’t been surrounded by a lot of people in my life who just accepted me and my quirks, but over the past few months I have been expanding my circle and letting new people into my life. It has been the most beautiful experience! There really are some amazing people out there. I have also released all of the shame and guilt I held over being estranged from my daughter and not liking or getting along with my sister. It is empowering and a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I have also let go of my anger and resentment of others.
This did not come easily. I spent time recently in service at a meditation center. While in service, you perform duties around the meditation center to help get it ready for the next meditation course. You also get 3 hours a day of silent meditation. During my silent meditation hours I went deep into meditation. I dropped into a dark whole and explored a lot of my fears and my beliefs. At night my dreams were extremely intense, bringing up all the issues I had worked on in meditation. (*I do realize meditation is for clearing your mind, however even when focusing on your breathe or your body (as you do in Vipassanna) issues arise that you work through and find relief for your mind, body, and soul.) It is not easy work, but it is worth it.
I am no longer suicidal. I do not believe the suicidal ideation will return. I will still have bad days. I will still have days where I doubt myself, but as long as I continue on my journey I know I will be okay. Please don’t ever give up!
I have accepted I cannot complete suicide. My 12 year old needs me. His dad just lost his apartment and is now renting a room in someone else’s home. So, unless he gets his shit together and can keep a stable place for my son to stay, then I am stuck on this earth. But I still don’t want to be here. I’ve been trying recently, but I can’t play the game. I need to find a living wage job within the next year or I will be homeless myself. When most days you feel like you aren’t worth anything that’s a hard thing to make happen. I have a good deal of supportive people in my life, but not any that can hand me a job. Well… that’s not true. There is one, but with that I would have to move to another state and that would devastate my son. He doesn’t see his father enough as it is. If I took him far away from what family we do have it would break his heart. I don’t know why I can’t just go out and get a damn job! Why my brain is so broken it can’t function “normally” for more than a few days! Why I can’t face the world and fit in somewhere. Poor me! Poor me! I don’t feel sorry for myself. I feel thankful for all that I do have. I feel thankful for all the opportunities I have had that I have fucked up. I feel thankful I currently have a roof over my head and food to eat. I have a car and my kids are all healthy and thriving for the most part. Aside from my brain, I am physically healthy. And I just can’t figure out how to put it all together and push myself to find a job. I hate myself, but I don’t feel sorry for myself. I don’t want to exist in this manner any longer.
Another day. Another day. Another day. Scream. Cry. Laugh it all off. Be fucking normal! Be fucking normal! Be fucking normal! Reply to messages. Be considerate. Quiet that voice. Shut it up. Shut it down. Be fucking normal! Scream! Scream! Scream! Meditate. Why? What’s the point? Trust the universe? This life… The afterlife… What is now? Be present. Pain. Exhaustion. Appreciate. Work harder. Be stronger. Change. Don’t scream. Breath. Relax. Cry. Don’t cry. Focus on the normal. Focus on sanity. What is sanity in an insane world? Fake it until you make it. What does that even really mean? and why? Why? I hate me. I love me. So many mistakes. Move forward. Change. Be real. Be confident. Keep on. Don’t give up. Old. Ugly. Worthless. Wasted years. So many more to come. Stay healthy. Get a job. Make money. Spend it to feel beautiful. Exercise. Who cares what I think they think! My mind is not my friend. My mind is cruel and unforgiving. It does not like me. If it did it would be kind and considerate. The world scares me in a way. People scare me and yet they don’t. I was brave once. At lease semi-brave. I am angry. So very angry, at me, at my mind. I want to disappear. To disappear. Into oblivion. I want to connect and be a part of society. I hate me. Who the fuck am I? The point is, there is no point. Just live. Stop thinking so much. Just live. Just fucking live! Be open. Be you. Do not listen to your mind when it says, “lazy worthless stupid bitch”. Do not listen. It’s okay to be crazy. If crazy is what you are. Crazy… What an awful word. Don’t define me. Don’t define myself. I almost gave up again last night and I thought -I am crazy. I will never fit into this world. I will never be a success in the eyes of society. I will never be able to pull it off.. being “normal”. I am not and never will be. Where does that leave me now? How do I move forward now? I have wasted my life away or have I? I don’t want to pretend any longer. I am struggling. I need help. I need support. I need to be me. I need to… I need to… I need to scream! and scream and scream. To go back and time and come out normal. What I wouldn’t give to go back in time and come out normal! Fuck!
I am accepting consistency is not my forte. In the past my inner voice would have told me what a worthless failure I am. I know my patterns now and how I beat myself into a downward spiral of self hatred. It only took me 44 1/2 years and 2 grown children hating me for me to get it! Yesterday I visited a girlfriend, one I appreciate beyond measure. She let me talk and talk and talk. We discussed the entire path of my life, beginning when I was 8 years old and my eye doctor touched my butt (he touched my butt every time I saw him, twice a year until I was 15 and moved to a different city). We talked about all the ugly things and some of the beautiful things of my life. Things I have discussed with therapists many times, but for some reason this time it all clicked for me and I understood how I got to where I am and why I am the way I am. And maybe, just maybe I finally feel strong enough to free myself. Maybe, just maybe, I finally know deep in my heart that I am not worthless (at least for today).