Yesterday I wrote my suicide note. I published it privately so my family can see it if they ever find this blog. I don’t belong in this world. I just don’t. I was trying to hold on, but it seems the more I hold on the worse it gets. In my suicide note I said I hope someday our society gets it and I hope when a cure is found for depression like mine that it is shared with everyone, not just the elite and those who can afford it. I don’t imagine it will be though, what better way to kill off the poor? Have them kill themselves.
I wish I was strong enough to stay. My oldest son is running for president of his college for next year. He is campaigning for one of the commissioners in the county his college is in. Next week he is going to California for a conference then the following week he is going to meet the United States Attorney General. He wants to go to law school and become a politician someday. I believe he will do it. I just don’t ever want him to be like me. I am such a fucking failure. Such a worthless fucking failure and no I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I know there are a lot of people out there who have it a lot worse than I do. I wish with all my everything I could give someone my healthy body and just kill my fucking mind. Wouldn’t that be perfect? I am still trying to figure out how to time it right so I can somehow donate my organs once I am gone. I really am in a very dark place right now. It hurts. Inside my mind it hurts so very much. My stomach is in knots and I feel the need to vomit. But this is it. I am done. I hate myself, who I was and who I am. I just could not get it right. If anyone ever reads this, please be more understanding of those who struggle with treatment resistant depression, especially those who can’t afford all the different avenues of treatment available out there. Because we aren’t lazy and we aren’t faking it to get attention. Most of us sit in our homes hiding away from the world trying to fight the demons in our head all by ourselves. We compare ourselves to those living “normal” lives or at least those who can function and ask ourselves what is so wrong with us that we can’t just be fucking normal? Why can’t I hold a job and be able to provide for my kids like all the other single moms who work their asses off? Why can’t I find someone who will love me for me and accept me as I am like so many other women do? Why do I have people in my life who tell me they wish I could have completed suicide the first time? or others who say there’s nothing they can do if I am suicidal so they just try to hit on me and get in my pants. Why do I feel guilt asking anyone for monetary help? Because I am not deserving because I can’t work. Then I hate myself more for not being able to push myself so I can make my mother and my kids proud. So they can see a successful mom and have better lives because of it. BUT I CAN’T! I have tried and tried and tried and tried and then tried again. I am so fucking tired of existing. I’m so tired of hurting and hating myself for hurting because I know people are hurting worse than I am and they still continue to exist. I hate this world! I hate our society that doesn’t care about anyone who can’t “pull themselves up by their boot straps”. I hate this society that blames people for their mental health and not being able to control it. I hate how weak I am. How unfocused and unhappy. Worthless, Useless, burden on society. Where is all the beauty in this world? And, one last thing, to the new age plant medicine world, you are a capitalist entity. Your only concern is for helping those who can afford it. You don’t care about bringing up humanity any more than the elite 1% does. Please stop pretending you do.
Thank you to the few people who read my blog here and there. Sorry to say my life wasn’t a success.