Yesterday was a bad day. I am lonely, I am broke, and the depression is way to strong right now. I spent 90% of my day yesterday watching Netflix and playing candy crush. Today I want to be productive, but I can’t stop crying. I want to reach out to someone, but I have no one left. I want to run away, but I have no where to go. Sometimes I think one of the hardest things is, I wouldn’t mind being poor if I wasn’t so alone. If I had someone in my corner, but everyone is gone. My depression, my selfishness, my inability to fit in or relate or act like a normal smiling human being having a regular old conversation, has pushed everyone away. Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I hate myself. I hate the depression. I hate the way my brain works and my inability to just function. And I am tired. I am tired of myself. I am tired of not being able to push myself and not being able to be a present and supportive friend to others. I’m tired of my inability to interact with the world on a consistent basis. I don’t want to be alone and I am tired of not being who I want myself to be,
A part of me is still telling me I should give up. SO… last night I decided it’s time for me to set another date. Not a suicide date, not this time. A Give-In date. Essentially, a depression coming out date. If by March 8th, 2020 I am still in the same predicament/mental state that I am now I am going to reach out to everyone. I am going to speak out about my suicide attempt and my continued struggle. I am going to discuss the hatred I have for myself, the guilt, and the shame. Including my thoughts on loneliness, poverty, and the insidious pain of long term treatment resistant depression. I think that is reasonable. Perhaps keeping the severity of it hidden is not beneficial to me. And honestly if I’m open about it and there are repercussions it doesn’t really matter, I don’t think I can feel any additional shame/guilt/hopelessness than I already do. But for now I will keep on day by day and attempt to push myself to do what I can to help myself.