Starting Anew, maybe…

Say it with confidence! Can I? The past week has been hell inside my head. Nothing really changed on the outside. On the outside life has actually been pretty good, pretty normal as far as lives go. But last week I was researching guns online. I had no idea how truly easy it is to buy a gun! That scares me. If I had a gun it would be all to easy to take my life in a moment of despair. Just one moment to end it all, when what if I changed my mind the following moment? With a gun it wouldn’t matter. It would be over like a finger snap. And I get it. I was almost there. If I had had a gun in the house at that moment I might have done it. But the thought of my kids still kept me from purchasing a gun that day and now I am doing better. It took a lot to get me here. I think I may have done as much work in this past week as I did during my month in Peru. I didn’t want to tell anyone how badly I was doing. I stand in my belief that after a certain point, a certain number of years or incidents, people don’t care about your depression any longer. They know they can’t help you and being around someone with a mental health issue year after year drains them. They do want to see you better, they just don’t have the capacity to fix you. Which is fair. So I didn’t tell anyone. Thankfully I had a girl’s night planned with a friend on Saturday, which began the beginning of another stage of healing. My friend rented an air bnb on 3 acres with a hot tub. I brought wine and snacks, my friend brought the weed, and our other friends brought more snacks, beer, and mushrooms. Yes mushrooms. And so began our journey! I set my intention to work through my deepest shit. The mushrooms did not disappoint, but I was frustrated. “aren’t I supposed to feel better after a mushroom trip? Isn’t that what all the research says? Why do I feel worse?”. It was a great time with my girlfriends, but I realized how very much I hate myself and how worthless I truly tell myself I am. What goes on inside my head is so very ugly and cruel. It is abusive. I abuse myself every single damn day. So I came home and felt sad and hopeless. Life was pointless and I’m always going to be useless. I’ve failed at life and might as well give up all the way. So Monday after the kids got off to school and I was sitting doing my usual nothing, attempting to motivate myself to be productive and want to live, I decided to take a bit more than a microdose of San Pedro. I figured if I was again contemplating buying a gun to end my life taking some pyschadelics couldn’t do any more harm than that. I was in an altered state the entire rest of the day. I thought a lot about life and the beauty of it all. I was definitely at peace and wishing I could feel the same peace in a non altered state. I wonder why my brain is so broken and if I’ll ever be able to rewire it the way I’ve heard it has happened for others when working with the plant medicines. I went to sleep that night feeling positive and hopeful. The next morning I woke up back to my old self and I wanted to scream! and scream! and scream! Tuesday and Wednesday I just managed to get by. I kept busy and I played a lot of candy crush to keep my mind from thinking. I helped my son dye his hair and that made me smile. We had a good Wednesday evening, but once they were settled in bed I could not fall asleep. Around 1:00 AM I vaped a little weed (a new thing for me, but it helps me sleep) and I started watching The Secret Life of Walter Smitty. I had watched it once before and remember liking it very much. It was exactly what I needed! The movie and a slight high and the lightbulb lit up. My life isn’t even close to over. There are people starting over and beginning to live at every age. Yes I have depression. Yes I have a crappy work history. I’m probably never going to fit into mainstream society, but I am finally okay with that. I realized I have given up over and over. I have doubted myself so very much that with each failure (for lack of a better word) I stopped trying. I blamed myself and told myself no one will ever like me. I will never fit in anywhere and I will never be successful because I don’t fit the mold of someone who is successful. Last night I realized it is all bullshit! There are people out there like me. They are definitely harder to find. Probably really damn hard to find, but they are out there. In actuality, It’s kind of arrogant to think I am solo in this journey of life in the way my brain works. So I am going to start searching. I am going to apply for hundreds of jobs and I am going to fully be myself and quit trying to fit myself into the box of normalcy that doesn’t work for me. I am going to be proactive and at the same time have patience. I am truly going to fully me and see where the road now takes me. I’m not giving up any longer.

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