Not for everyone, but for me. I dropped my son off at school this morning. He is in seventh grade, his second year of middle school. Last year was hard. He struggled a lot with depression and anxiety. This year he is doing well. No more fighting to get him up in the morning, or off to school. No more tears at night or stomach aches. It’s been almost a year and a half since I left his dad and I think we are finally mostly healed. It has made a difference in him. As I was driving home after dropping him I was listening to the radio. “It’s National Suicide Prevention Day they said.” and my mind went dark.
National Suicide Prevention Day, that’s a bunch of bullshit. I am back to not doing well. If it wasn’t for my youngest son (the one in middle school) I would complete suicide today, on National Suicide Prevention Day. Because society doesn’t really care. Oh, society would say they care. If I completed suicide today society would say, “See! This is why we need a day like today, National Suicide Prevention day. So more people like her don’t take their own lives”. But they don’t really mean people like me. They mean successful people. People who contribute to society. Not lazy moochers like me who live off the government and can’t hold a job. They mean people like my sister. She’s hardly worked a day in her adult life, but she has a husband who supports her and therefore she is worth something. And she’s not a nice person. We were on a family cruise a few year’s back and she threw a fit because she wanted a stuffed animal. She sent her husband running all over the cruise ship until he found one for her! Another time she began yelling at her husband because he drank a few sips of her soda in the car. She complains about him whenever I spend time with her and once even said she wished he would die so she could get the insurance money. If she were to complete suicide society would care. Society doesn’t complain about women like her. She doesn’t hear or see in the media ever day that she is a worthless burden on society. Her friends and loved ones don’t post on social media that someone like her should get off her lazy ass and get a job.
I wish I could do it just because I am lazy and worthless. Because I am a burden and I don’t deserve to live and until our society truly changes the way it treats people with mental illness all this National Suicide Prevention Day is nothing but bullshit. No one gives a shit until your dead. “I wish I had known. I would have been there for her.” No you wouldn’t have! I have lost so many friends and family members over the years due to my depression and inability to heal myself or control my mental health. I’ve been blamed for my mental health by loved ones and society. I’ve tried western medicine, eastern medicine, alternative treatments and here I still am… contemplating suicide on National Suicide Prevention Day. Perhaps if I was a better depressed person, if my mental illness was more pleasant and likable, maybe then society would care.
But alas, I am not going to do it. Not now and most likely not anytime soon. Even though I should. No one cares and no one is going to care, but that’s okay. If I am a lazy worthless bum, then I am a lazy worthless bum. If I end up homeless in a year, then I end up homeless in a year. I hate myself. I hate my lazy good for absolutely nothing worthless failure of a human being self. But that’s okay too. Because I can’t turn off my brain (I’ve tried for years and years) and I can’t change society. So for now I’ll waste another day sitting here pretending I am going to figure out a way to be a productive member of society by June of 2020.