It’s been awhile since I’ve written. I am still here! I hope you all are too! It’s been quite a journey. Recently I went on an off road camping adventure with a girlfriend. She has a jeep. A brand new jeep. A brand new fancy basically self driving jeep designed specifically for off roading. For some of the trip I had to get out of the jeep and walk. The sheer cliff on our left side, on the bumpy dirt road we were on was just too much for me. My friend didn’t miss a beat. “Sure, jump out. No problem. You want to go ahead of me or me go ahead of you?” She’s an amazing friend!
I haven’t been surrounded by a lot of people in my life who just accepted me and my quirks, but over the past few months I have been expanding my circle and letting new people into my life. It has been the most beautiful experience! There really are some amazing people out there. I have also released all of the shame and guilt I held over being estranged from my daughter and not liking or getting along with my sister. It is empowering and a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I have also let go of my anger and resentment of others.
This did not come easily. I spent time recently in service at a meditation center. While in service, you perform duties around the meditation center to help get it ready for the next meditation course. You also get 3 hours a day of silent meditation. During my silent meditation hours I went deep into meditation. I dropped into a dark whole and explored a lot of my fears and my beliefs. At night my dreams were extremely intense, bringing up all the issues I had worked on in meditation. (*I do realize meditation is for clearing your mind, however even when focusing on your breathe or your body (as you do in Vipassanna) issues arise that you work through and find relief for your mind, body, and soul.) It is not easy work, but it is worth it.
I am no longer suicidal. I do not believe the suicidal ideation will return. I will still have bad days. I will still have days where I doubt myself, but as long as I continue on my journey I know I will be okay. Please don’t ever give up!