Acceptance of Something…

I have accepted I cannot complete suicide. My 12 year old needs me. His dad just lost his apartment and is now renting a room in someone else’s home. So, unless he gets his shit together and can keep a stable place for my son to stay, then I am stuck on this earth. But I still don’t want to be here. I’ve been trying recently, but I can’t play the game. I need to find a living wage job within the next year or I will be homeless myself. When most days you feel like you aren’t worth anything that’s a hard thing to make happen. I have a good deal of supportive people in my life, but not any that can hand me a job. Well… that’s not true. There is one, but with that I would have to move to another state and that would devastate my son. He doesn’t see his father enough as it is. If I took him far away from what family we do have it would break his heart. I don’t know why I can’t just go out and get a damn job! Why my brain is so broken it can’t function “normally” for more than a few days! Why I can’t face the world and fit in somewhere. Poor me! Poor me! I don’t feel sorry for myself. I feel thankful for all that I do have. I feel thankful for all the opportunities I have had that I have fucked up. I feel thankful I currently have a roof over my head and food to eat. I have a car and my kids are all healthy and thriving for the most part. Aside from my brain, I am physically healthy. And I just can’t figure out how to put it all together and push myself to find a job. I hate myself, but I don’t feel sorry for myself. I don’t want to exist in this manner any longer.

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