Being Me

Another day. Another day. Another day. Scream. Cry. Laugh it all off. Be fucking normal! Be fucking normal! Be fucking normal! Reply to messages. Be considerate. Quiet that voice. Shut it up. Shut it down. Be fucking normal! Scream! Scream! Scream! Meditate. Why? What’s the point? Trust the universe? This life… The afterlife… What is now? Be present. Pain. Exhaustion. Appreciate. Work harder. Be stronger. Change. Don’t scream. Breath. Relax. Cry. Don’t cry. Focus on the normal. Focus on sanity. What is sanity in an insane world? Fake it until you make it. What does that even really mean? and why? Why? I hate me. I love me. So many mistakes. Move forward. Change. Be real. Be confident. Keep on. Don’t give up. Old. Ugly. Worthless. Wasted years. So many more to come. Stay healthy. Get a job. Make money. Spend it to feel beautiful. Exercise. Who cares what I think they think! My mind is not my friend. My mind is cruel and unforgiving. It does not like me. If it did it would be kind and considerate. The world scares me in a way. People scare me and yet they don’t. I was brave once. At lease semi-brave. I am angry. So very angry, at me, at my mind. I want to disappear. To disappear. Into oblivion. I want to connect and be a part of society. I hate me. Who the fuck am I? The point is, there is no point. Just live. Stop thinking so much. Just live. Just fucking live! Be open. Be you. Do not listen to your mind when it says, “lazy worthless stupid bitch”. Do not listen. It’s okay to be crazy. If crazy is what you are. Crazy… What an awful word. Don’t define me. Don’t define myself. I almost gave up again last night and I thought -I am crazy. I will never fit into this world. I will never be a success in the eyes of society. I will never be able to pull it off.. being “normal”. I am not and never will be. Where does that leave me now? How do I move forward now? I have wasted my life away or have I? I don’t want to pretend any longer. I am struggling. I need help. I need support. I need to be me. I need to… I need to… I need to scream! and scream and scream. To go back and time and come out normal. What I wouldn’t give to go back in time and come out normal! Fuck!

One thought on “Being Me

  1. I sense your pain and frustration… During these type days, be kind to yourself… You’re going through some waves in the storm… Wait through it until it passes and calms again… You’ve come so far… You’ve been positive and coping well for a time… It’s ok to have bad days… Keep fighting and overcoming… Proud of you!!…

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