Consistency is not my Forte

I am accepting consistency is not my forte. In the past my inner voice would have told me what a worthless failure I am. I know my patterns now and how I beat myself into a downward spiral of self hatred. It only took me 44 1/2 years and 2 grown children hating me for me to get it! Yesterday I visited a girlfriend, one I appreciate beyond measure. She let me talk and talk and talk. We discussed the entire path of my life, beginning when I was 8 years old and my eye doctor touched my butt (he touched my butt every time I saw him, twice a year until I was 15 and moved to a different city). We talked about all the ugly things and some of the beautiful things of my life. Things I have discussed with therapists many times, but for some reason this time it all clicked for me and I understood how I got to where I am and why I am the way I am. And maybe, just maybe I finally feel strong enough to free myself. Maybe, just maybe, I finally know deep in my heart that I am not worthless (at least for today).

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