Today I Want to Die

Today I sincerely want to die. I no longer want to exist, through my entire being. I am holding on for my kids, but I don’t want to and if this feeling lasts I fear I won’t make it. This is the problem with thinking someone is fine. The reason, I suspect, why people complete suicide at a time when everyone thinks they are happy and their life had gotten so much better. Everyone in my life is under that impression. Most days I even write (or journal) about how hopeful I am now and how I am fighting the depression, but it’s really all a lie, because our society does not give a true ounce of caring to a person who cannot fight the depression and win and “get over it” eventually. Our society loves the “I beat depression” story. Our society also loves the “If only we’d seen it sooner” story when someone completes suicide. But the person who attempts to fight the depression and suicidal thoughts again and again, year after year, our society would prefer all of us just disappear. I can’t get a job, then I can’t hold a job. Disability isn’t enough to live on. On my good days I can come up with ideas for a side hustle to make some extra money, but attempting to implement it by myself is impossible, especially when I have a bad day like today. And if I tell my friends and family members I am struggling and contemplating suicide, they don’t know what to do any more and half of them think it is just a manipulation and I am lazy and selfish. I wish my kids didn’t need me. I wish me being gone wouldn’t effect them. I just want it to be over once and for all. I can’t handle another cycle of depression. I don’t want to be on this earth any longer. I really don’t. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Is that too much to ask?

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