To the New Woman

Dear Erica,

It shouldn’t bother me that you are with him, but lately I have had to remind myself that I was the one who kicked him out. I didn’t want to be with him and there are many reasons for that. At the end of February this year I made a mistake and let him back into my life. He told me about the baby on the way. I don’t think it’s yours though. You already have four kids and he said the pregnant one was a different woman. A woman he only had sex with twice, removed the condom, and low and behold the woman ended up pregnant. He and I hooked up four times since we started talking again in February. What was I thinking? He pitched our son’s conference to me. Invited me to come along on the little road trip to visit his brother. A little family vacation, him and I our son and my oldest son. I fell for it all so quickly, but I knew in my soul that something wasn’t right. He told me you were spiritual like me and that you have four kids with two different fathers like me. He also said you were crazy like me and he had to block you on social media and every other avenue and he was never going to unblock you, but we both know that wasn’t true. He got mad at me quickly because I wanted things to turn into a real relationship. I asked him to spend time with me and I wanted to know more about the baby (the due date for instance). My dumbass was already fantasizing about raising his baby together with our son (I should slap myself I know). I fell into it so quickly. We even spent a night with our son sleeping on the air mattress in the living room while he and I “made love” (his term not mine) in his room. I want to vomit when I think of it. I’m inclined to think you are like the other women he has had in his life over the years. None of them ever stopped to think about the 13 years I spent with him. They jumped to believe I am “the crazy white bitch” he says I am, but you’ve met my kids. My amazing kids! They didn’t raise themselves. He wasn’t there close to the amount of time you think he was. I can’t remember a single evening he sat and helped Cristian with his homework. When we lived together he left at 8:00 am and didn’t get home until 9:30/10:00 almost every night. You’re probably inclined to believe it was because I was such a horrible bitch. I can live with that. I remember when he and I were first dating. I was a single mom with 3 kids. Our first Christmas dating he borrowed $2000 from me. A single man in his thirties borrowing $2000 from a single mom with 3 kids? That picture alone should tell you something. There were so many nights he would disappear and not answer his phone and yet I still wanted him in my life. This went on for years. Years! 13 to be exact. But I chose to stay. I am thankful I finally found my way out. Last year on this exact day was the last time I saw him until a little over a month ago. And I was fine when his standard behaviors showed up again. I saw myself going back to my old habits of getting upset and I knew I didn’t want to go back to that. Then he accused me of attempting to hack into his email and I wondered if it was you who did that. The next morning I woke up and he had blocked me on all of his social media and that’s when I found you. I was mad. How did this man, who hadn’t paid child support over the entire past year, afford all of these outings and activities with a woman and her four kids? A man who everyone thinks is a fabulous dad had time for this woman and her four kids, but saw his own son ONCE over Christmas break? So many thoughts ran through my head, but mostly I hoped that you saw my wonderful son and as a mother realized this kid is a product of his mother raising him, not his part-time dad. And maybe just maybe you thought about what I had gone through. Then I got pissed. My mother informed me she paid his rent a little over a month ago. Why is this man who can afford dating a woman with four kids and has another woman pregnant borrowing money from my mom? What about you? What about her? What about your mom? Her mom? All the friends who attend his parties and events? His own family? Thankfully I was able to calm myself and not contact you or attempt to find the pregnant woman. I did speak with his older brother though and I was thankful for that. He validated me. A grown man at the age of 45 who lives in a one bedroom apartment, doesn’t pay child support, and supposedly works 12 hour days, should be able to afford his own shit and not be taking money from his ex-wife’s 75 year old mother! And that is why I am pissed. I know now I want a real love and I will never find it with him. I am thankful he and I had this brief hook up thing. Now I can walk away with a clear conscience knowing he was never and will never be a stand up honest and supportive partner for me, for you, for anyone, until he faces his addictions and lack of self awareness. That being said I do hope it works out for you and him. From your social media you seem like a good person and my son has never said anything bad about you. I hope someday you can see me as a woman who has gone through hell and not just the crazy white bitch he has always said I am.

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