Can’t Cope, but Coping

I am shaking and I can’t eat, but life is still moving forward. This morning I had a volunteer interview at our local domestic violence support program. I begin 40 hours of volunteer training at the end of the month. It feels right and I am looking forward to it. I don’t think I am suicidal anymore. I am mad. No, I am not mad. I am PISSED! I had a little slip up. Actually, I had four little slip ups. And of course it went bad again. It went bad very quickly. During this time I found out about his girlfriend with four kids and the side chick who is pregnant. And those things are okay because the night I called the police on him and he left my house for good was almost exactly a year ago. So he was single and free to live his life. My issue is that he hasn’t paid child support since last summer. That pisses me off, but I have let it go because I thought it would help him get on his feet. But now I know he has had money to spend on this woman and her 4 kids and I’m upset. And time. He had time for this woman and her kids, but saw our son ONCE over Christmas break. ONCE meaning on Christmas day for 4 hours! But I also tried to let that go. In February, when I came home from my Vipassana silent meditation retreat I was feeling full of love and forgiveness. So what did I do? I contacted him. We talked and laughed and I was convinced all was good. I then proceeded to have 4 different slip ups with him. And then of course things got ugly. I started catching feelings and he, despite his words of caring, didn’t have time for that! Then it turned into arguments and hurt feelings and finally he accused me of trying to hack into his email. I’m too old and too tired for all of that and I let him know exactly that. Then next day he blocked me on all social media and then by phone. I gave myself one day to feel sorry for myself and grieve for making the same mistake one last time and today I got up ready to take on the world. I had my volunteer interview and that was wonderful. I left there feeling like the world was genuinely a good place and maybe there was hope for my and my future. So I did what any normal happy person would do, I stopped to visit my mother. We had a great conversation and then I made my confession to her. Then she made her confession to me… She told me about a month ago he came to her house and asked her for money to pay his rent!!! HIS RENT! He is a 45 year old man with a one bedroom apartment. He supposedly works 12 hour days and every weekend. Where the fuck is his money? And why the fuck is he asking my mom? What about his family? What about his girlfriend and her family? What about his sidechick and her family? LEAVE MY MOTHER THE FUCK ALONE!!! They all have moms. Go see their moms! Ask their mother’s for the money. I don’t even ask my mother for money when I am struggling. She has been through too much and helped too many people over the years (myself included). She deserves to relax and enjoy her life at this point. He needs to take his lies and his addiction elsewhere and I need to be stronger and stay away from him for good and protect my mother! I have spent the entire afternoon shaking and convincing myself not to call him and tell him exactly what I think of him. I am refraining because tonight I am going to a Gma-anon meeting and I am going to tell my story and get some support (did I mention he told me he went to the casino recently and blamed me for it?). and then this weekend I am going to visit my friend’s husband (my friend who recently passed) and bring him a casserole, then I am driving down to visit my bestie from college and get every last one of my feelings out. Then, if I still feel the need I am going to call his brother and tell him his brother needs to stay away from my mother from here on out or I will get a restraining order against him for my mom. I am done being his doormat!

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