The depression is back. Full on 100%, but that’s okay. One of my closest friends is dying. She is expected to pass within the week. We had a falling out about a year ago. Right after she was first diagnosed with cancer. We had an argument over a car I had sold to her that she wouldn’t pay me for because she had to put work into it herself. It wasn’t the argument that led to the falling out, it was the things she said to me during the argument that led to our falling out. She attacked my character and used every insecurity of mine that I had ever confided in her to tear me down. She sent me emails detailing these things, she posted on social media about me, she texted me. It came to the point where I had to block her at every avenue. I had another friend attempt to explain to me that she was lashing out because of the cancer diagnoses and her own fear of dying. At that time I wasn’t strong enough to be her punching bag and so a month went by, then another month, then another, and suddenly it had been a year. That is when I received a call, about two and a half weeks ago, from our mutual friend, who told me my friend was asking about me and wanting to see me, and so two weeks ago I drove out to see her. She was frail and weak, but still strong spirited with a badass mean streak still holding on. Then my life got busy again and I didn’t get back out to see her until this past Sunday. She can’t get up out of her bed now. She can’t speak but a few words, but she kept saying to my son and I, “I love you”, “I love you guys so much” and it broke my heart. Her daughter was there. She had just gotten there the day before. They had been estranged for many years. It is a complicated and sad family dynamic.
And I hate myself. I hate myself so very much. I want to lie down today and die myself. I have no next step. No plan of attack. No fucking hope. No reason aside from these kids. I am a nothing and I don’t know what to do with that any longer. I should see my friend and appreciate my life more, but I just wish I could trade places with her and give her my body and a second chance. I’m done. There’s no life left in me.