I am still banking on July to end my life. It is making living just a tad bit easier. Most of my time is still spend sitting at home like a blob doing absolutely nothing aside from letting my mind wander and tell me what an idiot I am for having let my life get the way it has. I am going to the gym most days of the week (I should probably kill myself in a way that they will be able to donate my organs to someone else). I have been feeling pretty healthy physically, aside from being insanely tired most days. I’ve got my youngest son working out now so he should be in healthy shape by July so that will be good.
I started dating. To get my mind off my ex (which hasn’t helped because we’ve been hooking up on a regular basis now, but that’s another blog post entirely). I don’t know if it’s because I’m depressed or because dating in your forties just sucks, but so far I’ve experienced an unsolicited dick pic video from one guy, listened to another tell me his whole life story, his mother’s life story, his uncle’s and his grandmother’s, and another tell me how he’s a very nice guy, but he’s also a little bit kinky. Oh, and then the constant, “Do you have more pics of yourself? Can you send a sexy one?” Today I deleted all my dating app profiles and decided for the next 4 months I’m focusing on my kids and my health. A nice guy to hang out with would’ve been cool, but finding one in the online dating mess isn’t worth it.
I wish I had a career. I wish I would have found a way to use my constant suicidal ideation to propel myself forward. I wish it wasn’t too late. I wish I was brave enough to network and find that one person or company willing to take a chance on me. My oldest son is a freshman in college, full of hopes and dreams. He is already skilled at networking and I couldn’t be more proud of him. He ran for office for one of he clubs he belongs to and is now vice-president. He also makes motivational speaking videos. Sometimes I can hardly believe he is my child. He talks a or about how the world doesn’t owe you anything and nothing is going to be handed to you if you don’t strive and work and never give up. I get that and I believe it, but I still sit at my laptop like a giant blob doing nothing and going nowhere, wishing someone would come along and give me a hand up! Basically, I can motivate my son to motivate people, but can’t motivate myself to do shit! Life is a real mother f*cker!