Almost giving up

Last night I began feeling low. This morning I woke up wanting to die and hating myself. Absolutely hating myself and too tired to fight the voice inside my head once again telling me all the reasons I am worthless and undeserving. So today I am sitting and doing nothing again, wishing I could do it. Wishing I could cease to exist.

But I made it to the gym. It took my until 1:30 in the afternoon to leave the house and I want to run out of here screaming, but I’m here. I’m not still lying in bed and in 2 1/2 weeks I will be leaving for my first 10 day Vipassana silent retreat.

And that is what I need to keep reminding myself of when that voice is overbearing and attempting to lead me back down that path of despair. I still want to end it all, but I also still hold onto that little sliver of hope that I can still make something of this life here. So I will tuck away the thoughts of suicide until after my retreat. Then, after my retreat I will hold on for the next thing, and I will continue doing just that as long as I am able.

One thought on “Almost giving up

  1. You’ve made some good efforts and had some good days… Remember, some days aren’t going to go as planned or how we’d rather feel… Just keep walking forward and take it a day at a time… I know its not fun when it is hard and challenging; yet your outlook can still be one of hope and you may feel hopeful and strong again in time… Proud of you for not giving up…

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