I have been on edge the last few days and I wasn’t quite sure why. The “glitches” I was having I couldn’t attribute to anything in particular and it has been continuing to bother me even though for the most part I have been doing so well. This morning I came home after dropping my son at school and I couldn’t bring myself to do anything at all. I was sitting like a lump. My mind an empty void. Around 11:00 I decided to just go back to bed and I feel asleep until 12:30. I had some deep and intense dreams. In one of my dreams it was today around 5:30 PM today and I realized my ex had not shown up to pick up my son for an event he was scheduled to attend 2 hours away. An event we had been planning for 2 months. And I was racing around trying to figure out how to get my son to the event even though it had already begun. Then I woke up and I realized this was what I have been worrying about recently. I was so afraid his dad would not show up. His dad has barely had time for him recently and I was worried. His dad is always working, but he doesn’t pay child support. He is always working because he has a gambling addiction. It was the primary reason I could not be with him and we could not have a healthy relationship. If someone can’t pay the bills, but can sit in a casino and gamble away $2000 in one night there is a major problem. Not to mention all the times he “borrowed” money from my mother. He is not dependable. But thankfully he came through and picked up our son and they are on their way to the event! But it was good for me to react the way I did and have the dream. I began thinking of how difficult it was to be in a relationship with someone I couldn’t depend on and who, if I complained about it, would flip out. One year we planned a family trip to Washington DC. A few nights before the trip he went and gambled the $4000 we had saved to make sure the trip was great and not stressful. Then he wouldn’t answer the door at his mother’s house when it was time to go to the airport. The boys and I went on our own. He showed up in Washington DC the next day having borrowed money from my mother to purchase a new plane ticket. Then when I was stressed and couldn’t relax and enjoy the trip (he showed up with no money and no way to pay the balance on the hotel room) he treated me like I was crazy and a bitch and the kids saw me yelling and crying, while he was calm and collected. He even tried to borrow money from me (I had enough to cover food) so he could give some money to a friend’s daughter who lived in DC. He wanted to look like the good guy. I HATE HIM! DAMN IT! I HATE HIM!
THIS THIS THIS! This was a recurring theme in our entire relationship. The first year we were together he borrowed $2000 just before Christmas. He promised to pay me back. I didn’t know he was a gambling addict. But the longer it took for him to pay me back the more worried I became and began to wonder what kind of single man in his 30’s needs to borrow $2000 from a single mother of 3. He eventually paid me back and I told myself I was silly for worrying . I loaned him money many more times after that. Many of the times he paid me back and was mad at me for being upset and worried he wasn’t going to pay me back. He did do a lot for me, but living like that, with the stress of not knowing if bills were going to get paid, if we were going to have money for a trip, if he was even going to show up or come through for things. and knowing if I ever questioned him it would result in him blaming me for everything and anything and completely losing sight of what the issue was that began the argument in the first place. I never want to live like that again. Never!
I’m so tired! I am so thankful I left that relationship and when I get to questioning myself I am going to come back and read this post. I am going to remind myself how stressful it was and how he blamed me for everything. How my overreactions were actually normal stress reactions to the situation. I feel sick to my stomach. I am so angry! So angry at myself for not trusting and believing in myself all of these years. BUT it is a good anger. An anger I need to work through to fully come out on the other side and to fully no longer hate myself. But right now I want to scream! I want to scream my head off! I am still having problems making decisions. Trusting myself. Loving myself. Knowing when to trust someone. I am afraid.
But my fear is reasonable, after all the years I went through. Now I am going to leave this coffee ship and go to the gym and get some of this anger out, then possibly go out tonight, be a normal human being, and have some fun.