I was sick through Christmas. Flu type sick I suppose. Sick enough that all my plans had to be curtailed and I just lay curled up on my couch for 5 days straight. The kids were good though. They didn’t complain, not once. They all said they had a great Christmas. I am getting better now, 6 days after Christmas. I’m feeling a little lost though. Not suicidal, which of course is a huge improvement for me, but just a bit lost. Before I got sick I had begun a juice cleanse/healthy eating lifestyle. Finally putting all the years of nutritional studies to work and I was feeling pretty fantastic. Perhaps slightly manic, as I made some pre-Christmas purchases I shouldn’t have and am now dealing with some repercussions of a couple of those. But I was feeling human. I had all these ideas in my head. I was ready to take on the world.
But today I feel like a dud . Empty and lonely and so very lost. Tired and unproductive, with no idea what direction my life is going. I fell asleep at 5:00 PM yesterday and didn’t wake up until 11:00 this morning. I want to scream!!!
All of the above was 2 days ago. I haven’t been able to push myself to write or to do much of anything. Last night and even this morning waking up I was thinking of wanting to give up. Something about the new year, being 44 and not having done shit with my life. Feeling stuck and hopeless while at the same time being thankful for all I do have leads to dark thoughts. BUT I am pulling myself away from the darkness one last time. ONE LAST TIME, because I have a 12 year old who needs me, and a 17 year old, and a 19 year old. It is time for me to be stronger than I have ever been. My life may be over, but for those 3 life is just beginning. So today I join the YMCA because my little man wants to start exercising and get in shape. And today I start diligently looking for a job I can manage so I have something of my own once these boys are all grown up and living their own lives. I want them to see their mom finally was strong and pushed through. Even though the sads are eating away at me today.
So… Here’s to 2019! May we all be strong and find our way and when the sads come on strong and we are feeling overwhelmed let’s be gentle with ourselves. Because I’m not giving up quite yet. Another year? Maybe 2? Let’s see where it goes…