I love roman numerals. I always have. That’s why I used them in the title of this post. It’s a little thing. a little thing I never really thought about when I hated myself and thought I wanted to die. I am 44 and I am re-discovering and initially discovering what I like and what makes me happy. I smile more now. I have even noticed the shift when I go out and about the city. It may be because I am no longer looking at the ground constantly and avoiding making eye contact with people, but I notice now that people smile a lot and good things have been happening for me. They are again little things, like the lady at the makeup kiosk who told me they don’t accept my coupon, but gave me a free lipstick and mascara instead (I didn’t even buy anything) or the extra 15% off I got on the new clothes I bought or just the people who have been so nice and so friendly. I feel more in sync with the universe than I ever have.
It is strange coming to terms with my strengths and my weaknesses, my faults and my abilities. About a week ago I took a few days off from my supplements. I quickly realized that was not a good idea. I was feeling a bit sad and unproductive and I began to hear that voice telling me I was lazy and a waste, but this was another instance where I didn’t give into the voice. This time however I decided I would take a microdose of my San Pedro at bedtime, hoping that would cure the oncoming depressive episode I was feeling. I was sick all night! and all the next day. I stayed in bed and thought what a mistake I had made and why was I so stupid! Then I fell asleep around 7:00 PM and slept until 8:00 o’clock the next morning. I woke up feeling ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS! Ok, actually I woke up hesitantly, wondering if I was okay. It took me a few minutes to get up, but when I did I acknowledged how well I felt. Since then, aside from the moment I had driving to pick up my son (see previous post) I have been doing better than ever. I am taking my supplements diligently, but not microdosing. I feel the extreme stomach upset was the universe telling me I am ready for a break from microdosing. I have altered my diet. I am eating nutrient dense foods and drinking a lot of water. I prepared and saved individual single portions of a green smoothie which I drink each day. My green smoothies are vegetables, fruit, and water only. Nothing additional added. I bought myself some new clothes. I had my hair done. I even went and had a facial! a real facial. I feel beautiful! Now my goal is to save money and find a job I enjoy.
I am okay being me. Finally! I deserve to be here. We ALL deserve to be here!
When I have moments now I feel strong enough to combat them. I may even have days where I am depressed and feel useless and worthless. That’s okay! I feel this hope inside me and I fucking love it! I am looking forward to a career. I am looking forward to a home that shows who I really am. I am looking forward to wearing clothes I picked out on my own just for me. I am looking forward to the rest of my life.