The Shift

I do not think I will ever be consistent in my writing, but that is okay. This is me and and for the first time since I was a little girl I am okay being me. Yesterday I had a moment and it was interesting. The shift is real for me, but it is still hard to believe. Yesterday my son called me from school. I am not a “good” mom. I have trouble getting my kids to school on time (one is 17 and drives himself, but he has picked up my habits and his first period teacher doesn’t see him nearly as often as she should). The other is in middle school and we made a deal together that we would get him to school on time, get his homework done, his daily reading done, and brush his teeth before school and before bed everyday until winter break. If we do that we are going to go get pizza after school on the last day before the break begins. As of yesterday we were doing well in this regard. I’ve been feeling more positive and he has been feeling more positive as well. He even went to school with a small stomach ache, but around 11:30 I received a phone call. He was in the nurses office (I have a feeling the severity of his stomach aches coincides with his 4th period class where he doesn’t care for his teacher). I agreed to come and pick him up. As I was driving to the school that little voice, the voice that has grown so very quiet recently, started jabbering away. That voice started in with the standard, “You should just kill yourself.” and went on from there, “Why are you still alive? You worthless idiot.”etc…etc… Then it attacked me as a mother, “What do you think the school thinks of you? Your kids late all the time. You are a piece of shit mother that can’t even raise your kids right.” and on and on. BUT this time I wasn’t going to listen. I was not going to take it! “Guess what voice?” I said, “Your words are pointless. I am here. I exist. And so do my kids! I love them beyond measure and I may not be the best mom, but I’m what they’ve got and they need me to stay alive. I spent way too many years thinking I was worthless and it effected my parenting. Yes it did. If I hadn’t been constantly criticizing myself and living in my head with you, you horrible mean voice, I wouldn’t have made as many mistakes and I would have been more attentive, but guess what? I wasn’t! and I fucked up here and there, but I’m here now and you voice, you are going to shut the fuck up and let me be a mom and a woman and a human! I will never be perfect and I am okay with that now. What I will be is the best I can be. I am gong to pick up my son and I am not going to worry about what I think the rest of the world thinks of me and I’m not going to listen to you telling me I shouldn’t be alive! I’m not going to listen to you any longer!”. I then picked up my son and took him out to eat (fried rice, chicken, no vegetables) and took his happy little butt back to school. He finished out his day, came home finished up his social studies project, and read his book until ten o’clock when I said, “Oh crap! it’s an hour past your bedtime. Brush you teeth. Brush your teeth. Brush your teeth and let’s get you to bed. We’ve got to stay on track.” and you know what? that’s exactly what he did. And guess what? We got to school this morning with 5 minutes to spare and his older brother left the house with plenty of time to get himself to school on time.

 

 

 

 

 

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