Well… I missed writing yesterday, but I have good news for myself. I am continuing to feel better! I was busy all day yesterday, like a normal person! I still haven’t had any suicidal thoughts and have actually had some wanting to live thoughts. I’ve been sleeping well and able to get up in the morning early and get dressed and be functional.
I AM pretty amazing when I’m not depressed. What a crazy and wonderful thought! “Imagine what I could have done if I never suffered from depression.” I love and hate that thought. You can replace depression with any debilitating physical illness, from cancer to a broken back, and the ludicrousness of it is so blatantly obvious. So I am not going to think of what my life could have been had I not struggled with this severe chronic energy sucking depression my entire adult life. I am going to think of all the things I can do NOW. Now that I have hope. Now that I can walk into a grocery store without being overwhelmed with anxiety so bad that all I can do is stare at the floor and the shelves and will myself through the store to get my items and get out without having to make eye contact with anyone, let alone speak. The last couple of days I have been having conversations with strangers. I have been looking up when I walk and noticing how different the view is. It is absolutely insanely unbelievable!
I feel sad for my family. For my kids. What hell to grow up with a depressed mom. I was so unavailable for them even though I was trying my best. I just didn’t have the energy with my brain constantly berating me. Living with my depressed self was more harmful than living with an abuser. I was constantly abusing myself with my thoughts. No wonder I was so down. How could I ever fight against my own mind telling me what a worthless piece of shit I was? Now that voice is gone. THAT VOICE IS GONE!!! I’m still processing all of it. and I am not naive. I am not running the streets screaming, “I am cured! I am cured!”. But I am loving the fact that I am spontaneously smiling again. I truly had forgotten what it feels like. Last night I was driving with my 12 year old and he was telling me a story and it just brought a smile to my face and when I realized I was smiling my smile just got bigger, and eventually was laughing and there were tears running down my face. I have always fought to enjoy my children. A strange concept to explain. I have always, always!, loved them and I knew I was supposed to enjoy them and be able to be in the moment and I would will myself over and over again to just do it. To just be. To just relax and be a little happy. “Why are you such a failure that you can’t even just relax and enjoy your children?” All the experiences where my depression and anxiety was that dark cloud hovering over me. Keeping me from being the mother, the person, I wanted to be. The person I knew I was somewhere deep inside, but who I couldn’t find through all the hurt and fear and hate and the god damn depression!
How many jobs I lost because I hated myself so very much. That horrible horrible voice that told me I wasn’t good enough and everyone was looking down on me. I was so very awful to myself! So very very awful to myself! All of this is truly unbelievable to me right now! The thought that now I can be a better mom and a better friend and be able to love and support and FUCKING FUNCTION!!!!
I can’t wait to figure out who I am and where I am going!