Well… I have just made it through 2 days of not hating myself! I did not think it would ever be possible to feel this completely normal. I am completely and utterly exhausted! Yesterday I went up on my roof. I cleaned my skylights (which were covered in moldy fungus), I cleaned mold off my roof and I cleaned my gutters to the point that the only way they could have been cleaner was if they were brand new. And when I was done with that my youngest son and I worked in the front yard. Then I made fudge for my other son and chocolate chip cookies. It was a wonderful day!
Then today I took my morning supplements and my San Pedro and I got to work. It’s strange thinking back on my day. Normally I overthink EVERYTHING. I get things done but there’s always this dark cloud lingering over all of it. This evening I took my son through the drive through with my hair pulled back in a ponytail, no bangs, and no make up! For me that is a very big deal. So today that dark cloud just wasn’t there. That’s the best way to describe it. I worked on my front yard, my back deck, and then had to pause everything to fix my fence because my little asshole dog (I really love her with all my heart) dug her way out and wouldn’t come home. But the thing is I enjoyed every bit of the day! I didn’t stress or worry about what I wasn’t getting done. I didn’t call myself a failure and worry about my future. I wasn’t stressing about not being good enough and I didn’t think once about suicide!
I am going to sit and relax now for awhile and perhaps write again later this evening.