This morning I have begun my official journey of microdosing San Pedro. After my most recent battle with contemplating suicide I have decided it is time. Perhaps, I should have given up. Perhaps I should let this blog die as I was supposed to have completed suicide by now. I come up with these plans to do it, but have (obviously) not yet followed through.
This past week has been rough. I have been horribly mean to myself. I made a decision to cut all of my extended family out of my life (doesn’t actually matter because none of them really talk to me anyway). But it helped me to feel empowered and in control of some of my thoughts. I’m not cutting out my mother, as she’s been the one person truly almost always in my corner and I am going to continue to be here for my boys as long as I am able, but honestly the rest of them can fuck off. I’ve done my apologizing and I’m giving moving forward one last try.
Last night I dreamed I was saving a baby whale. I was frantically talking to people and trying to find someone to watch over this little baby whale and keep it alive until I could find a way to get it to the ocean (I found it in a housing development. Dreams…go figure.) suddenly all of my family was there, including my daughter, her boyfriend, and my grandson. I very much wanted to talk with everyone about all of he hurt and things that had happened over the years, but no one cared. No one wanted to talk, they all wanted me to get over it and move forward. And I was mad at myself for not being able to and I was hurt and I started screaming and crying and then I was mad at myself for creating a scene and not staying calm and rational like everyone else. Eventually I cleaned myself down enough to be quiet. I looked around and everyone had gone back to happily interacting with each other. At that point I decided I was going to complete suicide and went into the kitchen (it was the kitchen from my childhood) and got myself a glass of orange juice. And that is when I woke up.
Upon waking I lay and thought about my dream, how much it summed up my hurt, my pain, my love, my selfishness, and my caring. It struck me that my brain was telling me it is time for me to let go of all this pain, that I can no longer carry this burden if I ever want to get past the desire to complete suicide.
So today I began. Today is the beginning of the next steps of my journey and I write because there is not enough information out there in regards to San Pedro, microdosing, and depression. I am going to make every attempt to be consistent and follow through with chronicalling this new path in my journey. My new date for changing my life (though it has changed significantly since I began this blog) is May 8th, 2019 (May 8th being my dad’s birthday. I had a friend recently tell my I can still make my dad proud even though he has passed. Not sure why I was stuck in the thought that I was a failure because I hadn’t done the things I wanted to do to make him round while he was still living on this earth).
4 days ago I began a new supplement regimen. Twice daily. Once in the morning, then again in the evening:
4ml Ionic Magnesium mixed in a shot glass with orange juice to mask the bitterness
2 capsules, 100mg, Lithium Orotate
3 capsules, 900mg, St John’s Wort
1 capsule, 500 mg, L-Lysine
2 capsules, 50mcg (2,000IU), Vitamin D3
This morning I did not take the St. John’s Wort and instead took 12 capsules of San Pedro powder. The powder is from Peru. I have taken it as a tea in the past and can verify the potency, but I had a difficult time drinking it as it quickly becomes the consistency of thick snot and has a horrid taste. Due to this I purchased a capsule making machine (which was actually a lot of fun to use) and put the San Pedro into capsules. I did not take the St. John’s Wort because there is such limited information as to whether or not it interacts with San Pedro. I am aware it does interact with Ayahuasca, but that is not an issue in this moment.
No less than 5 minutes ago a Robin Red Breast landed on the skylight above my bed. I am taking that as a sign that I am on the right path and this was the right decision. I will see how the day plays out and write again this evening or tomorrow morning.