I am selfish in my blogging. I know I have made it a year. I know I have committed to living for 2 more. I also know that none of that matters when the time comes. I know eventually I will complete suicide. I know I am up for awhile and then back down. I hope someday, after I am gone, someone will read my blog and understand how insidious depression really is. Perhaps it will help someone stop and listen to a loved one who tells them they feel suicidal or help them understand why someone is gone.
My mental health is worse than anyone understands or cares. I have lost contact with so many people because I am tired of being a burden or a bummer. I see the faces, the reactions, the short replies to texts. Friends and family who think I should just be over it and not feeling sorry for myself. I wish I could stop it more than anything. I wish I could be the not-depressed me all of the time. I wish I could fix my life.
Have you ever tried to do an interview with depression? I wouldn’t hire me. I wouldn’t want to be around me or have me working for me. I only ever just wanted love and support. I’ve got to get in the shower and attempt to be productive today. I’ll keep pushing forward until the day I can’t any longer.