A year ago I was planning on killing my self tomorrow. I’m not any longer. I still have my bad days. I still wish I didn’t exist half the time, but it is over. I made it. I am putting suicide off for another year. I won’t make any promises after that, but damn it, if I am the villain I might as well make it worthwhile.

Yesterday I contacted my twenty-something cousin, because my mom is moving down to where she is sometime in the next two years to live with my cousin’s mom. We had a falling out years ago, over several different occurrences. She had a baby when she was 15, the father turned out to be a pedophile, and I spoke my mind when her and her mom bailed him out of jail. Her next boyfriend put his hands on my son and they would lock her young daughter in her small room for hours at a time. He also would take baths with her and he was 22 when he first dated my cousin, she was 14 at the time. Next my ex-husband and I let her mother live in his house while he was in Iraq. Her mother didn’t take care of the house and when we asked her to move out it was a big mess. Then my cousin and her boyfriend moved into my mothers basement a year or so after my dad passed away. It was my idea because I thought they could help my mother. Not long after they moved in my mother would come to my house everyday and complain about them living there. To see her suffering made me angry. I got into it with my cousin. When they finally moved out they stole my furniture which I had left in my mother’s basement and would not return it. I finally let it go because it wasn’t worth the headache and severed contact with my cousin.

Many years later I contacted her and apologized for my part in everything. She did not apologize. But I was ready to let go. A week later she posted my furniture for sale on Facebook. I lost it. I admit I can be very mean when I am upset, but I thought, hey she could have offered to give me my furniture back, at the very least.

So… yesterday I received a message back from her telling me she will not be in contact with me regarding my mother and how she is doing. That she will only contact me when my mothers health is failing. She told me I burned my bridges with her and I’m like wtf? I wasn’t asking her to be a part of my life again. I’ve been through enough with her. I wanted to check in my mother from time to time to make sure she is okay cognitively and physically. What kind of person says no to that?

But perhaps it is because I am the villain and I have been wrong all along. Perhaps…

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