Today is another giving up day, but it doesn’t matter. I will keep going on for now. If I could turn off the negative voice in my head I think I would be okay. If I could stop hating myself and telling myself what a worthless, ugly, useless, lazy human being I am I might actually be able to be productive. I am still thankful I do not have a gun in the house. It would be all to easy when the negative voices get to loud. I understand it. In one moment it could all be over. My heart breaks for the souls who have made that decision, but I understand. On days like today, when I want to scream, “I am not sitting here being lazy! I am not doing nothing! I am focusing all of my attention on quieting these cruel heartless voices in my head and it takes everything I have!”
I would give anything to go back to Peru right now! It hurts. It hurts too damn much! I’d give anything to be stronger. If I was the narcissist some have said I am I would have left already. I have opportunities. I could leave this house and leave everything on someone else’s shoulders. I wish I could! I wish I could be of the mindset -If people believe that is what I am then that is who I shall be-, but I’m too old for this. I’m too old for feeling sorry for myself and not just getting through it. And that thinking brings me back to being thankful I don’t have a gun in my house, because if I did I would end it all right now.
BUT Then I would never see their smiling faces again and not see my mom settled and going on adventures with my aunt. So I make it through another day, for now.