I have a friend on disability for her depression. Over the years she has told me how much worse my depression is than hers. She is an amazing woman with a beautiful heart. Today I thought I would call her and tell her she is lazy, because her house is messy and she expects her husband and young son to do some cleaning around the house too. I wanted to tell her she is lazy, no not just lazy, but fucking lazy!
I figured she deserves it. By my calculations it must be true. You see I have struggled with my depression as long as she has, but I only applied for disability last fall after my suicide attempt. I was approved, but am still going through the process of paperwork. So disability agrees we are both clinically depressed and she has consistently told me my depression is the worst she has ever seen. Both of us have had a difficult time keeping up with keeping a clean house. But her husband is supportive and doesn’t ever put her down or blame or for her depression (he’s a good hearted person as well).
BUT today I got upset at my teenagers because I was gone again for 2 days (trying to find a job and keep my depression from turning into another suicide attempt) and I came home to dog poop and pee ALL over the house (we are dog sitting my moms dog for 4 days and he is not house trained) and 2 days worth of dishes on the counter. I admit I over reacted, but I don’t think there was any excuse for it. If you see dog poop or pee you clean it up immediately, that’s just how it is. So my oldest son proceeded to tell me that I am fucking lazy and I need to clean and stop going on vacation (He sounded so much like my exes who always seemed to enjoy telling me how lazy and worthless I am.).
So, by my deduction, my friend, whom I respect and adore, is fucking lazy! If I am to believe my son and my exes are correct and I am fucking lazy, and just add in, fucking worthless. Then she is also fucking lazy and therefore fucking worthless.
However, I do not believe she is fucking lazy or close to fucking worthless. I believe she is amazing and kind hearted and caring and a supportive individual. She is all of these things and she has a chronic debilitating mental health condition called DEPRESSION.
I have done everything in my power over the years to try to raise my kids. There were so many days I would get up and get them to school, then come home and lay in bed and cry until it was time for me to pick them up from school. Then I would pretend for the afternoon and evening that I was okay. Take them to their sporting practices and events and make sure they were fed and taken care of. I tried to hold down job after job after job. Through all of this I listened to my exes tell me what a worthless piece of shit I am. Had my kids tell me I am abusive, manipulative, narcissistic. When all I was doing was trying to stay alive! I realized a long time ago that depression is selfish, but I sure as fuck tried to hide it. When the doctors told me I have chronic Epstein Barr Virus I felt a sense of relief in a way. It gave me a reason for my tiredness on top of the depression. I finally wasn’t calling myself lazy all the damn time (ask my therapist, she can tell you what a lazy piece of shit I called myself). I still cry almost every fucking day and every fucking night. Try to push myself to get the house ready to sell. Apply for jobs and go to interviews. Smile and say I can get through this, one more year, one more year, one more year. Everything I do is to keep myself alive and give my kids the best I can in spite of how fucked up I am.
So the next time my son calls me lazy or spews the hate that I have heard year after year from his father and step-father I’m not going to believe it any longer. From him or anyone else. If I don’t believe it about my girlfriend and I would never let anyone say those things to her, then I will NEVER again put up with it from anyone towards myself.
If you cannot show kindness and compassion for all, you are not a kind and compassionate person.