My first ex-husbands pregnant girlfriend messaged me a few months ago. She was upset because of his behavior. She sent me screenshots of some of the messages he had sent her. The messages were controlling and abusive. In that moment I fully realized he had never changed. He was the same abuser he had been throughout our entire relationship. The only difference was now he had someone else to project his abuse onto so he is able to be “nice” to me for the most part. I still don’t feel good being around him, but I’ve tried to tell myself it is because there is something wrong with me. It isn’t. He is an absurd and my body and soul known it. My body has a physical reaction every time he is around and often times my mind shuts down. My 2nd ex-husband is abusive as well. Not in the same way, but still abusive. A gambling addict who attempts to manipulate and control situations and my perception. He always wants to be seen and the good guy, the high roller guy with the perfect life. And when I would question it/confront him that is when the issues arose.

I realize now, though it’s hard to hold onto and doesn’t work when my ptsd is triggered, but I realize it wasn’t me and you are supposed to be able to talk to your partner and have real conversations about life and money. You are supposed to spend time together doing fun things and laughing and joking. That is normal. Disagreements happen, but you talk them out.

My depression. My inability to focus or move forward is understandable considering the 20+ years of abuse I put myself through. The physical pain makes sense. I desperately need Support. I cannot be around anyone who does not respect my boundaries or understand how much healing I have to do now. I am scared and rightly so.

Instances with my teenagers triggers my ptsd. Men and women who say they only want to be my friend, but don’t respect my boundaries and continue to attempt to touch me physically or tell me they want more, trigger my ptsd. I am fragile right now. I can’t keep someone in my life who doesn’t respect my boundaries fully and completely.

I have to find a way through. I have to find a way to be able to work and maintain a living wage job. I have to get through this!