Too many years of the same old thing. I think it is time to take the opportunity that has been offered to me. I’m tired of writing and I’m tired of living. I told my therapist I wouldn’t attempt suicide this September per my plan. I also promised my youngest son he doesn’t ever have to worry about losing his mom in that way. But it’s not really something you can control. I can try not to do it, but you aren’t exactly thinking clearly when you make an attempt.
I’m so hopeless here. I want to go back to Peru and do more healing, but that’s not in the cards until I can make some money. I am attempting to be “normal” enough to get a damn job and hopefully save some money. I am so damn lonely. Why can’t I push myself? Why can’t I believe I am worth something? Why do I sit around like a lump? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME????????