Society’s Burden

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about suicide. The first time I cut my wrists was way back in 1986, when I was 12 years old. At the time I didn’t think it was a forshadowing of my future, but it seems that is what it turned out to be. When I hear on the news of a celebrity suicide I don’t wonder why. I understand. I know it will be me someday. I haven’t given up, but I know. That voice in my head, the one that tells me I am useless and worthless and nothing but a burden and a waste to society, that voice gets very loud sometimes. I think there will come a time when I can no longer drown it out. I don’t belong here. I don’t think I ever have, but I keep trying to find my way. This evening I want to complete suicide. I just want it to be over, but my son is graduating tomorrow and I don’t want to ruin his life. I applied for disability, but I haven’t worked enough hours in my life, so the only thing I am eligible for is $750 a month. I guess society is correct and people like me are just a burden. Why didn’t she reach out? She did. Over and over. And she felt like she was crying wolf. And she couldn’t fix herself. She knew people were getting tired of hearing about her depression. People want a success story. They don’t want to be a shoulder to lean on forever. What about our problems? Why are you so selfish? Why can’t you think of others? Be there for them. Be grateful. Show gratitude. That will snap you out of it! And if it doesn’t there are at least a few people out there who will show you that tough love and tell you each and every little thing that is wrong with you and let you know if you were a better person your life wouldn’t be as negative as it is. If you weren’t such a manipulative narcissist you’d be okay. Tonight feels like the right night to do it, but I won’t. I have no desire left to live. I have no passion for life. If I tell you, this will never change, if I tell you, this is how I will always be, do you still want me to stay alive? or is it just the humanity in you that says you are wrong if you truly are ready for me to be gone? Does the thought run through your head, “why doesn’t this depressed bitch just shut up and kill herself already?” But then you feel guilt? What is the answer? Is it only the people who are truly loved who shouldn’t complete suicide? If I can’t function as a productive human being because each day is a fragile dance to keep my suicidal demons at bay do I deserve to live on this planet? I am selfish for having children while at the same time I am selfish if I take my life and hurt my children? If someone else is willing to take care of me do I allow them that? Do I then owe them in return? Does it make me selfish? Manipulative? Am I truly less than because this is who I am? I would never wish for another human to feel as I do, to hurt and to suffer. I would create a community if I could. For depressed people to live. To do nothing on the days when they can’t and to contribute when they can. It would be a slow paced community. Where people could hate themselves, yet not worry about being judged or being out on the street. But how do you know when someone is depressed and when someone is taking advantage of the system? I guess you don’t, but I imagine anyone taking advantage of the system has to have some form of depression or self hate. I don’t know. I just know I don’t want to be here in our modern society. The hole I have dug for myself is pretty deep now and I don’t truly believe there is a way out. But I’ll keep going for now. Keep faking and occasionally having true moments of happiness. I hate myself.

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