My depression has returned more fully than ever. I am lazy and worthless. The thoughts of suicide are strong today. Time in hell doesn’t seem as bad when I am away from the jungle. It almost seems preferable to this. I should reach out, but I’m not. I shouldn’t fucking exist. Is it narcissistic to feel suicidal? Manipulative? Abusive? I love my kids, but that doesn’t make me a good mother. I can’t be a good mother. I tried to be. You cannot be suicidal and be a good mother. You just can’t.

So… what is my next step? Well, I am back on track with suicide in September if I can’t fix this shit. Therefore my next step is San Pedro. Ayahuasca got the ball rolling. Perhaps San Pedro can bring it home.