Breaking Down or Becoming Whole

I don’t want to get a protection order against my ex. I don’t want to argue with him over our son. I don’t want him to talk badly about me to my children. I would just like him to leave me alone and move on with his life, just like I asked him to before I left for Peru and after I returned from Peru. But I know I can’t change him or anyone else on this earth.

I have a headache today. The stress has caught up to me. How I wish our world was one where love was more abundant than hate. Where understanding trumped fear.

I can’t contemplate suicide any longer, so what now? My girlfriend is dying of cancer, but I can’t motivate myself to appreciate my life. I think I’ve gone back to square one, or maybe square two. I just want to scream!

I began this post 3 days ago. I am up and down and all over the place. Stuck yet moving forward. Alone yet connected. I am resisting reintegrating into “normal” life, but I feel like I do not have an option. I hear Mother Nature speak to me. I hear her or Ayahuasca, asking me at the beginning of the journey if I was willing to let go of my children. I understand it now. She wasn’t attempting to take me to the after life or tell me I was going to lose them. She was asking me to let go so I could move forward. An emotional release of my immeshed connection with them. So that I could follow my path and still be a mother. But to trust in the universe and know their paths are their own. I understand now why you must find happiness outside your children in life.

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