I’m in the air. I think i’m getting excited again. Still wishing I were “normal”. The tears are behind my eyes. I continue to hate myself. The world is beautiful from up here. I cannot wait to get to my hotel and sleep and relax for an entire day. At this point I am afraid nothing is going to change. That I will be the same worthless, unmotivated, old, lazy, bitch that I have been for so long.
About to land at LAX. I have to change my life when I get back! I don’t want to be stuck any longer. I don’t want to be lonely. What will be my next step be if this does work? If it doesn’t? What will I try next?
As we landed and began taxing my thoughts returned to my worthlessness. I harbored so much anger and jealousy of others for so many years and I couldnt figure out how to change and improve my life. My outlook turned inward, but I was so very mean to myself. My phone and my iPad and the television are now my security blankets, my addictions, my escapes. I cannot handle being me. I turn to mindlessness. I turn to junk food. I never strive to push myself or have self will. I give up and give in. I don’t fight. I am weak, pathetic, insipid. That is who I am.
Boarded on my last flight to Iquitos. I think I am too lonely. I think that is the bottom line issue. Yes I am sick with EBV and the depression/bipolar/anxiety seriously affects me and the loneliness is my own fault based on the choices I have made. But they play off each other and it is difficult to resolve either one while struggling with the other. But i’m doing this. Even though it has been a painful process so far already. I hate myself so very much.
March 10th, 2018
I did it! I left the hotel and made bad choices left and right. Pretty sure I got taken advantage of financially. But that’s ok. I met a Moto taxi driver at the park. He took me all around Iquitos. He took me to the slums. I got on a boat and he took me to the houses off the river in the poorer part of the city. He thought I wanted to go swimming. I thought we were going to eat. He took me past the houses where there were old abandoned river ferry boats. The houses disappeared and we were surrounded by jungle. I asked him how much farther he didn’t give me a direct answer but told me I was safe and there was a place to swim. He told me to remove my gold necklace and put it in my purse. This helped me to trust him, but question the people we would be around. I thought of my family and how worried they would be and I asked him to take me back to our boat and take me to a restaurant to go eat. Thankfully he did.
March 12th, 2018
I am in the Amazon jungle! Riding in a boat down a tributary ofnthe Amazon river . How thebfukc is this even real? I am in shock and awe! I am actually doing this! It has finally hit me. I truly am a warrior and this is my path! I feel like I am coming home to mother Ayahuasca (who I see as Mother Nature). I am trusting the universe to the best of my ability. I am here! I am fucking here! The people and the energy here is amazing. Life is going to change!
April 9th, 2018
28 hours until I head home. Am I the woman I was when I left home 5 weeks ago? I don’t think I am. The anxiety just isn’t there. I may feel uncomfortable at times, often times, but it is not anxiety. I may get sad, but it is not depression. I saw and felt hell, el infierno. I survived the jungle and all that it is. I am connected with Noya Roa and Ayahuasca. I fasted for 3 days. I lost weight. I blacked out. I made friends. I learned to love myself. I learned I am not less than anyone. I learned to appreciate life and be thankful to the spirit world. I learned faith is important and that there is a world of people out there similar to me and just seeking the universe and peace.
My journey has only just begun. I am content and hopeful. Faith. Love. Abundance. Understanding. Financial Security. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. I can’t wait to continue my journey and grow from here. I am worthy!
Boarding the airplane home any moment now. I can’t wait. It would be better if I wasn’t feeling sick, but that will pass. Everyone is lining up already. I hate lining up to wait. We all have to walk to the plane, I don’t think lining up will get us there any more quickly. I’m going home!!! I’m going home cured! I haven’t eaten today because of my stomach and that has affected my energy and mood, but that is okay. I will feel better soon. We all get sick sometimes. Boarding now 🙂