The lability of my emotions is nothing new but it seems extreme now that I am alone away from home about to embark on what will most likely be the journey of a lifetime. My anxiety was horrible today. The morning was decent, but around 2:00 it hit me like a wall of fire. At 4:00 we had our first official meeting of the retreat. I did not want to be there. 12 people was too much for me. My thoughts were swirling.i wanted to disappear, even though I already know I am hardly noticeable. I truly don’t believe I am worth anything. I don’t want to die I just don’t want to exist as who I am. Nothing has changed yet, but that is to be expected. Still wishing I didn’t hate myself so much and my emotions were more stable.
Tomorrow we do our first ceremony and I am prepared to ask the Ayahuasca to take my life. I’m sorry to my family, but I am not a warrior and I am not strong.