Breathe! Breathe! Breathe! I will think of my children. That is the best way for me to get through this morning. I will not cry today. My best friend said I am a warrior. I do not believe her, but here I am in Peru by myself. I got a taxi. I went to the market. I made a decision that could have gotten me killed, then I trusted my intuition. But I need to be as confident as I am brave.

Last night after the meeting and dinner with my retreat group I decided I was going to ask the Ayahuasca to take my life. I thought and thought on this and I thought to just make me disappear would be nice. These were my thoughts falling asleep. I felt ready. I felt alone but secure in my decision. Then… my children FaceTimed me and I was happy. I have been trying to tell myself I don’t miss them and that they don’t miss me and that I need to completely focus on myself, but they are a part of me. For me not to talk of them is the same as someone not talking about their job or their life’s journey. I may be a worthless bum, but I have loved and cared for my children to the best of my ability along the way.

My oldest son sent me a text “we are all going to miss you very much”. That was all I needed last night. All I needed to once again decide to fight. To hope to get better through this journey. I am looking forward to going home now. Not to my house. Not to my SO. Not to anything but my children and my dogs (and my mother, but I know she would be fine without me)

In 3 hours we leave for the jungle. Please let this be just what I need!