I Don’t Want to Cry

Boarded on my last flight to Iquitos. I think I am too lonely. I think that is the bottom line issue. Yes I am sick with EBV and the depression/bipolar/anxiety seriously affects me and the loneliness is my own fault based on the choices I have made. But they play off each other and it is difficult to resolve either one while struggling with the other. But i’m doing this. Even though it has been a painful process so far already. I hate myself so very much.

I want people to think I speak Spanish. I want people to think of am a professional because In reality I am nothing. My life is a lie.

But I am here now. It is surreal. We passed by the animal rescue, that filled my heart. Animal lovers are everywhere. I miss my little man already. I wish I didn’t feel I needed to do this on my own. I hope that feeling is fleeting though and I will wake up tomorrow ready to do this. Right now I want to cry. I still don’t think I should exist.

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