I’m in the air. I think i’m getting excited again. Still wishing I were “normal”. The tears are behind my eyes. I continue to hate myself. The world is beautiful from up here. I cannot wait to get to my hotel and sleep and relax for an entire day. At this point I am afraid nothing is going to change. That I will be the same worthless, unmotivated, old, lazy, bitch that I have been for so long.
About to land at LAX. I have to change my life when I get back! I don’t want to be stuck any longer. I don’t want to be lonely. What will be my next step be if this does work? If it doesn’t? What will I try next?
As we landed and began taxing my thoughts returned to my worthlessness. I harbored so much anger and jealousy of others for so many years and I found t figure out how to change and improve my life. My outlook turned inward, but I was so very mean to myself. My phone and my iPad and the television are now my security blankets, my addictions, my escapes. I cannot handle being me. I turn to mindlessness. I turn to junk food. I never strive to push myself or have self will. I give up and give in. I don’t fight. I am weak, pathetic, insipid. That is who I am.