Soon my journey will begin. I am terrified. I don’t know which part of me will show up and be in control. I hope it is not this current part. I am a bum today. I have done nothing except make the kids and myself food to eat. This part of me thinks it will not be so bad if we die in Peru. If it is meant to be then i accept it. When this part is in charge I cannot come to terms with ever fitting into this world and finding success. It all seems so asinine. What is the fucking point? But maybe if I was not stuck in this house and lonely I would not feel this way. Perhaps if I loved myself and found motivation within I would be able to go out and take on the world, but I think about the cruelty, the stupidity, inequality, how superficial we are. I think about my inability to be a great mother. My kids hate me for being me. I think about my 70 year old mother still blaming her mother from time to time and holding that within her. What is the fucking point???
I am going to Peru in hopes of finding the answers from mother nature. Through an organization where I don’t know how deep their true connection to her is. Everyone is out to make money because that is the only way to survive in our society. Our worth will always be attached to the fatness of our bank account. I am privileged because of my parents. I do not know how to make money on my own. I do not know how to sell myself. I feel less than all the others I see who have figured it out.
It will not be a bad thing if I pass on in Peru. We all want to matter, but not one of us really does in true reality. I hope Ayahausca helps me.