This morning feels bad. I am drinking tea and debating going back to bed or eating something. I am crying now. Where is the part of me that was active yesterday? Why can I not just bring her back at will? I don’t want this part of me today. I can’t be this me today I have too much I want to do. I want to feel good again. Damn it! I am going to lie down for a bit and hope that helps.
I did lie down. I used the Fisher Wallace. I am up now so it seems like it helped, but I am not feeling positive at all and really just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I need to start loving myself! Going to lay down for another 15 minutes then leave the house for awhile.
Well… yesterday got busy. The depressed me was in charge so we didn’t get a lot done. I did go tanning and I did get my hair done. My hair guy admitted he has anxiety. We discussed those times when it is hard to walk into a store so you just don’t go or you go somewhere else. He also wants to hear about the outcome of my trip.
I was hoping I would be doing better today, but I am not. It is one of those days I imagine falling asleep and never waking up. I feel horrible and weak thinking that. My youngest son is struggling at school and with his emotions. He is quite aware of what he is feeling. He says, “Mom sometimes when we are all together and laughing and having fun I just feel sad”. I want to be a better mom! I am so thankful he is open with me, but I don’t know how to fix it. He is having a rough time at school. he is innocent and sensitive, but not overly so. Maybe just a tad more naive than the average 5th grader (sad isn’t it?). He doesn’t have any social media accounts, and that may play a part in it. Social media is an extremely sharp double edged sword. He also says he isn’t worth anything and doesn’t like himself. My guilt is immense with this one, because he sounds just like me.
I cry too much.