Mornings, My dogs, Weekend, and Peru

Happy Monday! After the kids leave for school I spend time with my pups or really they lay on the couch or by my feet and listen to me talk about life, but this morning the SO is home. We got into an argument last night or really not an argument, I upset him by not giving him the details he wanted about my trip, he got mad, started cursing and went to sleep downstairs in his little room under the stairs. A half hour later he came back upstairs. We had sex and went to sleep. This morning I asked him to get the kids up because I’ve been feeling sick since last night. He said yes, but then started in again. Basically accusing me of meeting up with someone in Peru (wouldn’t that be nice?). I didn’t respond. It’s not like we will have a productive conversation. So when my alarm went off I said I would wake the kids, got dressed, and went downstairs. While I was getting the kids ready he went back down to his room under the stairs and I haven’t seen him since. I hate when he is there and doesn’t leave for work. I can’t relax. Sometimes I want to say to him, “Why would I share everything with you about my life? I can’t talk to you about money, the bills, your gambling. You don’t pay the bills and you complain about everything about me. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don’t want to be with you when I get back from Peru. I just don’t want my kids to be hurt so I say nothing!” But that would only lead to a huge fight, and him causing problems for my trip and I don’t have it in my anymore. I am fine with him hating me when I get back. It is over this time.

I had a good weekend though. Saturday was our meeting monthly meeting for my son up North. I was in panic attack status as I was leading the meeting myself this time, but it went well. Better than I expected. I actually had fun and so did my son. Afterward we got ice cream on the way home. He kept his headphones off for half the drive and we talked. We smiled a lot. I love my kids. More than anything. Everyday I think of my daughter hating me and not meeting my grandson. Missing her entire pregnancy. It hurts. A lot. But maybe I am looking at it form the wrong angle. I am happy for her still and still maintain if she feels she is better off without me in her life then that must be what is right for her on her journey. But damn it hurts!

I am nervous about Peru. Mainly my layover in Lima. I cannot decide if I should just spend the entire 11 hour layover in the airport. I could get all my Nutritionist homework knocked out and sent and be ready to take the test as soon as the retreat ends. But I also have 2 days in the hotel before the retreat where I could do that. There are some ruins about an hour outside of Lima I could take a Taxi to go see, but I am afraid my anxiety will be so bad I won’t enjoy myself. I really should listen to the advice I give the kids and not worry about it right now. I can always see how I feel once I get to Lima or decide tomorrow or the next day.

I am sick this morning, but can’t relax because he is here. I will make my tea and then get ready for the day.

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