I Should…

I should be doing stuff but I’m not. What a lazy bum I am I tell myself this morning. I had every intention of getting up this morning and working. Selling some things and making some money. I went to bed early last night in hopes of having a small bit of additional energy today. I told myself I would sit at my desk today (I am) and not leave the house. He came upstairs this morning and left me $100 dollars. He said it was to take our son out to do something today. I texted him and told him I would use it to pay my mom back because she paid for our dental insurance for this month. This is how the conversation went:

I called your mom yesterday stop by to give her money but she never called me back. Talk all the shit you want and be as negative as you want towards me.  Doesn’t affect me anymore. Do what you want with the $100. I had the dental insurance money the night i was told your ex (the father of my older boys) was in the house and i asked about it you replied negatively to me. I would never disrespect you like that. No matter what we are going through. But it’s all good, I’ll contact your mom again to give her the money she gave you. Have a good day.

Ok

You could use part of it to get our son out the house.

And you could pay the bills like you said you would.

And you could get a job!

Or make your ex pay child support!

I have so much I would like to say, but I just want this to be over and done.

Say what ever the fuck you want I’m tired and wanted it to be over last year! You think you can talk shit and put me down, but treat your ex like he’s someone special. Fuck You and him and whatever negative shit you have to say. You have the ability to consciously treat me like shit, and be good to everyone else. Then blame the way you treat me on depression. But the depression only allows you to be a bitch towards me and no one else. I’m tired of being treat like shit by you and people around you! I’ll be out the house on the 1st. I you want to kick me out before that then do so. Until then don’t say shit to me about bills when you didn’t contribute shit and your fucking king ex didn’t contribute shit!

My ex and I are basically friends. We get along for the kids. I am watching his dog this weekend while he is out of state visiting his long distance girlfriend. Who he is planning on moving to live with soon. We interact like grown adults. He pays for anything and everything I ask him to for his kids. My SO hasn’t paid my mom the full mortgage money even once. He doesn’t pay any of the utilities and hasn’t paid the $400 dental bill for our son’s gum surgery. When I quit working he told me he would take care of us so I could get better.

I am still beating myself up for quitting, but honestly I just want him out of our lives. I wish the best for him. I hope he finds someone he has things in common with and I wish we could separate amicably. But I can’t even have an adult conversation with him. I haven’t yet told him about Peru. I’ve basically told everyone, but him. I can’t handle the arguing and put downs that will ensue when he finds out. Then my little bit of happiness, hopefulness, and excitement will all go away again until the day I leave. And the kids will hear all the crap he feels he needs to say about me and that will stress them out.

I do hate him. I hate to say it, but I do. and I hate myself for not being stronger and able to get him out of our lives. Then I feel bad because I think about his good qualities and that is why I want to separate peacefully in a mature manor. But I want it to be over! I don’t want to spend all this extra energy that I don’t have stressing over all of this. I want to relax and focus. Please universe just let him go away!

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