I feel immensely guilty for going to Peru. Who am I to borrow money/take a gift from my mom? Depend on her again as I have done my entire adult life. My entire life is a lie. My kids think we are doing okay. They want for nothing. I just want to be able to pay my bills while at the same time wanting to live and not hating myself.

But what makes me think I am special? There are people struggling everyday who don’t have the opportunities I have who don’t consider suicide an option. Who aren’t as selfish/self absorbed as I am.

But why? What is society? Only the rich are able to rise to self actualization? Money truly is the root of all evil or mans worship of money. Capitalism. The history of man. Have we ever been kind and peaceful? Why do we exist? Why feel guilty over any of it when man is created this system of hierarchy? We can only pursue our dreams if they will make us money along the way. And I don’t even want for much. I have made untold mistakes throughout my life. Now I just want to sell it all and live out of a van. My kids can visit me wherever I am. I hate myself too much.

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