He will never get help for his. I really just want him to go away. The good does not outweigh the bad when my bank account is overdrawn every month and he doesn’t pay any of the bills for the house (including the rent). He thinks buying food and household supplies is enough. He thinks buying the kids more clothes that they don’t need is more important than paying the bills.

He came home at 3:00 this morning. He was on his way home and I told him I was stressed about money. He told me he was going to pick up some money from a friend. I knew he was going to the casino, but I didn’t have the energy to fight with him. WHY IS HE SOOOOO STUPID???? I know I shouldn’t think that. It is an addiction. A disease. Not something he can control. With that comes immature thinking and irresponsibility, but even if I know that rationally I still can’t handle it emotionally. And I’m beginning to think some of my health issues are related to the constant stress of poverty.

I will complete my nutritionist certification next week and when I return from Peru I will find a real job and never again depend on anyone else. I pray Peru helps! I pray I am not making a mistake! It feels right. In my heart of hearts it feels right! If I worked to find a job now without going I would just repeat the same cycle. I would succeed only to fail and destroy my life again a year or two down the road. I need to break the cycle. I need to believe in myself and love myself. If I didn’t have Peru in view I would be in the same place I have always been. It is all that is keeping me moving forward now.