I leave for Peru on March 8th. My flight is booked and the down payment on the retreat has been made. I should be ecstatic! But… my happiness is broken. It’s been broken for awhile now. All the things I once would get excited about, now I am flat about. I know at is not entirely from the depression. Yes, quite a bit of it is, but I know the main reason is him. When I get back from Peru I am going to tell him it is over. For good. No turning back. I want to be with someone I can at least have a good conversation with. With him I have been dumbing myself down for so many years I am afraid it is permanent! I know the EBV plays a role in it too. But I can feel the happiness inside me, it’s just afraid to come out.
My happiness is like my dog. My dog likes him. He gives her food and pets her occasionally, but she is also terrified of him and doesn’t like to leave my side when he is here. And when he does get upset and yell (though it’s rare these days) she shakes and hides behind me. I don’t think my happiness will come back out until he is out of my life or I am at least away from him.
He is nice and I am mean to him. I have no patience. I can’t pretend any longer to be who I am not. I don’t want to. He is only mean when I do and say things that he doesn’t like. He often doesn’t like my tone, so I have perfected a sweet syrupy voice to use when I need to. He likes it. It disgusts me. I want him to be happy. I just don’t want him to be with me. I know he is not in love with me. I saw my ex yesterday. He still looks at me with loving eyes. My SO doesn’t. I don’t think he ever has.
Don’t get me wrong. Don’t think he is a horrible person. He isn’t. He tries to make me happy, but he doesn’t understand money doesn’t buy happiness and he has a gambling problem and doesn’t know how to be responsible with money. I just want it to be over! I can’t do it anymore. The good does not outweigh the bad. I want my happiness to shine! I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I don’t want to be insipid any longer.