My mother came by today. I am inclined to think she would be better off and happier if I completed suicide. I am a burden. She is too stressed and it is affecting her health. She changes her mind daily over what she can do to help me. I know she wants to help me. I know I want to figure things out to become successful to no longer be a burden on her.
Today I am not better. Today I think there is no point to being alive. I have no hope for my future. My oldest son is full of hope for his future and it is a beautiful thing. He loves himself in a way I never have. He does not have the deep seeded feelings of insecurity and worthlessness. Tonight he told me he is living his truth and because of it he is happier, which makes him friendlier and more likable. He likes who he is.
I have never lived my truth. I want to go to Peru more than anything. I stay with my youngest son’s father because of money, loneliness, and my boys happiness. But would I maybe love him if I wasn’t depressed? If I loved myself would I like him on a more regular basis?
I don’t know who I am or what I want. I don’t love myself so how can I love someone else? I rarely leave the house so I don’t make friends or meet someone I might fall in love with. I hate the way antidepressants make me feel. Stupid modern society. I don’t fit in. I don’t know if I would feel better if my circumstances were different , but they aren’t so it doesn’t matter.