Being Normal

Sometimes I feel like I could be. I’ve held jobs for a year or two and done well, until I have an episode and screw it all up. I feel like I am waking up again and hitting that “oh my fucking god what have I done again?” phase.

Should I stay and try to fix it? Should I go to Peru? Should I give up and accept what I am?

I know others do not see me as I have always seen myself. Yet I wonder how others do see me. I know I have depended on my parents too much. I know I have made impulsive irresponsible decisions repeatedly. I know I am too easily influenced by others and also what I think others think (my own crazy mind).

I know a part of me is glad my daughter no longer talks to me, because she is away from my crazy. I am heartbroken and devastated yes, but it is probably better for her. I hope I have not screwed my kids up too terribly. I want them to have better lives than what I have created.

I want to be able to pay my bills. To have money in the bank. To be able to go to the store and buy something without worrying if it will break me. To not have to fake it for the boys. I want to be successful I just don’t know how.

And that is why I think I need to go to Peru. I don’t think there is another way for me to figure it out.

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