I hate the world and that in turn causes me to hate my depression. I truly believe I am worthless. I have destroyed everything in my life. I don’t know what is the right decision and what is the wrong one. I cannot do anything right. Even when I have moments of believing I can I wake up and realize I am wrong. I chose the wrong man. I hate the way I feel when he is home. I want to be free. I am jealous of most of the world. and not matter how much willpower I try to use I can’t get past it.

I have thought of not going to Peru and just driving away for awhile, but that is not an option. I love these kids so very much and I have decided if I can get healed I want to be here for them now until I am old. I want a purpose with security and I want a fulfilling relationship where I am out living life. I want my youngest to have the same opportunities my daughter and older boys have had. I want his father to go away.

I WANT TO BE HEALTHY!!!